jistgreg - Posted - 02/04/2014:  14:58:35

shoot it with a gun -- if you can find one that has a gun. 

The reason William Tell used a crossbow 

OM45GE - Posted - 02/04/2014:  15:11:22

is that firearms had not been invented in Europe at that time.

His son was

ErikH - Posted - 02/04/2014:  16:05:04

double-jointed with a flat spot on top of his head.

Had apples been out of season, he would have instead had to use

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/04/2014:  17:01:34

either a potato or a tomato.

John Henrys parents gave him that name because

OM45GE - Posted - 02/04/2014:  17:34:57

they lacked imagination. 

He was forever resentful that

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  18:08:12

he maried the wrong woman

Come spring I'm going

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  18:13:49

to run through the meadow with my new flame.

I'm a chain smoker and...

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  18:35:08

my chain is getting shorter

I have a made in USA genuine

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/04/2014:  19:07:24

heavy duty pogo stick.

Now what did I do with that

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  19:45:12

flame thrower that I was going to sweep the sidewalk with

The next time this happens I'm going

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  19:53:07

to go old school and buy a broom.

That witch I saw last halloween

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  20:12:25

looked like my former wife as she gave that usual , I got you again smile

Have you ever used a hammer for a

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  20:46:37

Q-Tip? 

My ears are still

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/04/2014:  20:51:35

getting bigger every time I look in the mirror and hair everywhere

My compass must be messed up cause

jistgreg - Posted - 02/04/2014:  22:01:44

It only points one way! 

Captain Jack wore a sparrow on his shoulder because he coudn't find a parrot site on 

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  02:11:02

pirate supplies.com. 

He endured the scorn of

ErikH - Posted - 02/05/2014:  02:15:43

his cabin boy, who was constantly wiping up the sparrow droppings.

What really bothered Captain Jack, though, was

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  02:26:12

the sparrow had learned to talk with an effeminate, singsong voice and prattled on about chiffon dresses and how Jack's clothes weren't color coordinated.

Jack tried to make excuses, but

jistgreg - Posted - 02/05/2014:  03:39:53

the sparrow's mind was narrow. 

The worst birdbrain I ever met 

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  03:44:20

with only one exception.

And that was

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/05/2014:  04:07:13

that daffy duck in Gainsville.

Please don't walk on grass because

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  04:14:44

smoking pot is illegal.

Unless of course you live

ErikH - Posted - 02/05/2014:  04:37:13

in a school cafeteria, where there are smoking pots most of the time.

Speaking of cafeterias, have you ever

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  05:09:03

regretted trying a big helping of chipped beef on toast?

I did once and let me tell you,

jistgreg - Posted - 02/05/2014:  05:30:39

contracting shingles is terrible, horrible. 

Lily Langtree was the toast of the town 

RandyZ - Posted - 02/05/2014:  05:34:13

talk bread company.

known for her crusty appearance, she hardly...

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/05/2014:  05:49:19

had time to explore her soft center

Fule your passion with the ultimate

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  06:05:07

in stuffed animals.

For your approval, I present the amazing

RandyZ - Posted - 02/05/2014:  06:26:16

Queen Kong !

Watch as she climbs a 3 story building with a...

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/05/2014:  06:31:17

single jump

Once I had a friend

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  06:39:59

who thought he could climb buildings.

We now call him

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/05/2014:  06:46:19

dead Fred.

His wake was at the

RandyZ - Posted - 02/05/2014:  07:17:02

funeral home....for his convenience.

Then suddenly, a harem of women burst into the home yelling...

Emily-sy - Posted - 02/05/2014:  07:20:39

Help Help! take us home.

Later at the funny farm

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  07:48:40

the inmates were clearly in control.

However, control is a relative

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/05/2014:  07:52:50

term meaning the subset of the dysfunctional calculated trigonometric equation. 

In other words...

RandyZ - Posted - 02/05/2014:  08:19:10

My pants are too tight.


As the cats poured into the home relentlessly....

Scaggs7 - Posted - 02/05/2014:  09:17:07

the mice baited them with some kind of stuff and they vanished

While inside the store someone

jistgreg - Posted - 02/05/2014:  10:08:00

(the night watchman) had a snore.

That store never should've stocked 

banjoscotty - Posted - 02/05/2014:  10:15:10

Jiffy peanut butter.

My Grand Pappy always said

RandyZ - Posted - 02/05/2014:  10:41:53

...'aint no butter like P'nut butter.


after applying a new coat of it to my shoes....

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  10:56:48

I was quite popular with the neighborhood dogs.

So popular in fact,

RandyZ - Posted - 02/05/2014:  11:36:12

i received 2 proposals from a great dane and a smaller poodley lookin mutt.


All this newfound action prompted me to...

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  11:40:47

visit the local pet supply.

I was looking for

Emily-sy - Posted - 02/05/2014:  12:47:19

a trolley for my pet alligator,he had a bad tooth.

When I returned home he..

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  13:20:35

gratefully climbed onto my lap to snuggle.

This gave him more pleasure than

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/05/2014:  13:22:39

eating all my painkillers and  drooling and getting glassy-eyed.

I took him to the Gatordome...

Edited by - chuckv97 on 02/05/2014 13:25:32

Emily-sy - Posted - 02/05/2014:  14:02:11

managing to ice skate he won the gator cup.

it was later back at the zoo when...

OM45GE - Posted - 02/05/2014:  14:08:42

we realize he left his medal at the dome.

He wanted me to