Forrest - Posted - 12/20/2016:  08:40:36

: Did you ever have relations with Elly May?

Jethro hit a bit of trouble

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/20/2016:  08:54:27

butting heads with Dash Riprock, who had eyes for Ellie May.

Dash called his agent

OM45GE - Posted - 12/20/2016:  10:57:09

Dickhead for reasons known only to himself.

His agent wasn't

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/20/2016:  11:37:52

very thrilled to be addressed like that.

So Dash,Dashed off to

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/20/2016:  11:40:26

Dashboro to get his dash fixed, since Jethro had cracked his noggin on it.

Samuel Morse used dashes (-)

OM45GE - Posted - 12/20/2016:  12:37:44

and dots when he created his pseudonymous code.

I don't know what he was trying to hide, perhaps

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/21/2016:  04:03:20

was writing letters to a secret lover?

Anyway,,the military became interested and

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/21/2016:  04:28:44

 paid ol' Sammy $12.34 and a gallon of battleship gray paint for use of his dots and dashes.



Next thing you know

Edited by - chuckv97 on 12/21/2016 04:29:11

OM45GE - Posted - 12/21/2016:  06:36:51

everyone is using Morse Code and they had to come up with new code to send in Morse Code so their secrets would be safe.

Igpay atinlay idn'tday orkway

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/21/2016:  07:38:46

Ewt'nodekomseromyna.

That gave me a headache so I'm

Forrest - Posted - 12/21/2016:  08:12:23

going to refrain from communicating further in what was previously my native tongue. 

It's been a long time

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/21/2016:  09:35:32

since I was a native, and I've finally washed away the last vestiges from my loincloths.

Smoky teepees and soiled buffalo hides

OM45GE - Posted - 12/21/2016:  10:20:15

have given me the worst skin rash I've ever seen.

Even my dermatologist

Forrest - Posted - 12/21/2016:  11:48:22

scratched her head when looking at my inflamed loins, saying this was the worst case of crotch crickets she's seen since the 2004 Summer Olympics in Greece. 

She suggested strapping flypaper to

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/21/2016:  12:19:37

my jockeys and from now on to straighten up and fly right.

Orders received from women

OM45GE - Posted - 12/21/2016:  16:03:15

are fundamentally different from orders received from your imaginary friends. 

For one thing, 

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/21/2016:  19:07:11

it's impossible to be a chauvinist pig with your imaginary friends - they won't stand for it.

I adore women ,but

Forrest - Posted - 12/21/2016:  19:56:47

they confuse me to no end, which is clearly my fault. 

This one time

OM45GE - Posted - 12/22/2016:  02:51:34

I got the cold shoulder when my girlfriend asked me if I liked her new hairdo. 

I guess I shouldn't have said

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/22/2016:  04:46:44

it reminded me of a beehive, meaning the incrowd 'do of the fifties.



My rather obtuse complement went over her head

Edited by - chuckv97 on 12/22/2016 04:47:16

OM45GE - Posted - 12/22/2016:  05:32:21

but her left hook didn't miss at all.

I should have ducked but

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/22/2016:  06:23:43

my shoelaces weren't untied.

A stiff upper lip

MWBailey - Posted - 12/22/2016:  09:40:11

can lead to stiff kisses.

I wonder if Ms. Claus ever kissed Santa on his

OM45GE - Posted - 12/22/2016:  09:52:52

belly and made him laugh so it shook like jelly.

I hope there's a video, because

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/22/2016:  10:20:18

these things can make me a lot of extortion money.

"Film at 6"

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/22/2016:  11:58:46

"preview at 8".

But all this doesn't matter when

OM45GE - Posted - 12/22/2016:  12:17:40

someone else beats you to the publication.

I've missed out on

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/22/2016:  13:10:52

few fortunes by being late for the ball and running through the outfield fence.

Someday my ship

Forrest - Posted - 12/22/2016:  13:59:47

which previously sailed will come back in and welcome me aboard for a new voyage.

Speaking of submarines

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/22/2016:  15:18:16

I had one for lunch yesterday.

Santa told me that

OM45GE - Posted - 12/22/2016:  16:15:25

had misplaced the naughty and nice lists so they're just skipping the whole gift thing this year. 

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/22/2016:  18:13:53

That led me to skip the partial tee-up sentence- after all, a giftless Christmas has me seriously verklempt.





The days of wine and roses

 

Edited by - chuckv97 on 12/22/2016 18:14:51

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/23/2016:  01:56:22

was when the bell hop was passing $100 bills to your lady friend..

This is true because Doris Day

OM45GE - Posted - 12/23/2016:  02:34:52

was the recipient of just that sort of largesse. 

She didn't know what 

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/23/2016:  03:35:24

the bell hop really wanted.

But she soon found out when

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/23/2016:  07:35:55

he started getting frisky, so she rang his bell with a right uppercut.

Everyone grab a partner

OM45GE - Posted - 12/23/2016:  08:31:53

and start swinging, the Friday night fights have begun!

This is the best part of the holidays, we always 

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/24/2016:  02:43:52

take a long nap after Christmas dinner.

Never eat with your mouth full because

OM45GE - Posted - 12/24/2016:  04:02:41

it makes it harder to understand what you're saying. 

It's also harder to

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/24/2016:  04:32:42

to swallow the food.

Always heed what BHO members say because

OM45GE - Posted - 12/24/2016:  04:50:25

they always give flawless advice with no ulterior motives. 

So when I tell you to transfer all of your money to me

banjoscotty - Posted - 12/24/2016:  05:36:33

then give it to Scotty.

Believe it or not he cares about

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/24/2016:  10:08:28

your welfare ,,and your welfare cheque (check) when you're broke.

My last caseworker

OM45GE - Posted - 12/24/2016:  11:52:07

turned in his license and moved to Guatemala. 

He said he had never 

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/24/2016:  15:17:18

seen deadbeat and conniving rounders like those unemployed banjo players.

They'd walk into his office

OM45GE - Posted - 12/24/2016:  17:45:11

and immediately start talking about how nobody understands them. 

Then they

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/24/2016:  18:27:51

sat down and put their feet up on his desk and regale him with harrowing tales of one night stands.

If you ever see a banjo picker coming your way

OM45GE - Posted - 12/25/2016:  03:43:18

you should immediately cross the street or turn and run as fast as your feet will carry you. 

If all else fails, 

chuckv97 - Posted - 12/25/2016:  12:12:11

call Sgt. O'Hara to come and pick you up at Grim Jim's.

If he's already there