OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2021:  06:38:21

he would say he was going to buy a Pontiac but we knew he was only kidding.

He never

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/19/2021:  06:51:03

took granny with him because it was a recipe for disaster.

She seemed to

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2021:  06:57:36

Have a penchant for disasters.

I remember one time

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/19/2021:  07:08:44

her girdle popped all its laces.

This was at Sunday morning church service

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/19/2021:  09:48:12

just after the pew she was sitting in collapsed from the burden of exceeded weight limits.

Her fleshy bits

OM45GE - Posted - 02/19/2021:  11:32:05

expanded outward explosively, hitting several parishioners .

It reminded me of

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/19/2021:  13:10:10

the time Granny was dancing in Slim Jim’s amateur night strip contest to win money for a new KitchenAid mixer.

Her big

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/19/2021:  14:31:35

caboose swung around and knocked Jim off his barstool.

His wife

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2021:  03:38:14

managed to grab his beer without spilling a drop.

Jim however, was

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/20/2021:  05:28:22

impaled between Granny’s butt cheeks with his face so deep he couldn’t breathe but he could still wiggle his ears.

After a few

OM45GE - Posted - 02/20/2021:  07:32:40

minutes his struggle grew fainter and everyone thought he was a goner.

Then they noticed

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/20/2021:  11:01:37

a twitch in his big toe.

Slim Jim’s wife, Fat Freda, took a crowbar

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/20/2021:  12:19:58

and put the wedgie to grannies goods while a couple of bar regulars hitched up the mule to Jim’s ankles.

About that time

KyBanjo - Posted - 02/21/2021:  15:47:45

the mule pulled and Jim grumbled an awful lot but finally managed to pull free.

Later that night

OM45GE - Posted - 02/21/2021:  17:11:10

after several cocktails, Jim admitted that he rather enjoyed the experience.

He particularly liked when

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/21/2021:  17:38:55

Granny flatulated.

It reminded him of halcyon days on the farm

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/22/2021:  04:45:56

squatting on a three legged stool, pulling the dangling teats of flatulent but greatful bovine.



It was there he learned

Edited by - Pick-A-Lick on 02/22/2021 04:46:54

OM45GE - Posted - 02/22/2021:  05:00:01

that life without cows would be udderly meaningless.

It was an epiphanic moment

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/22/2021:  08:37:47

witnessed by Pastor Parsimonius.

The good Reverend

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/22/2021:  10:40:14

was taken aback by the large, naked, pink, swinging teats but found himself in a very good mooood.

He hurried

OM45GE - Posted - 02/22/2021:  12:00:08

back to the parish house to try and calm down.

He had just settled into his recliner when

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/22/2021:  14:47:45

out on the roof there arose such a clatter.

He sprang from his chair

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/22/2021:  18:28:59

to see what was the matter.

He looked up at the Saint

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2021:  03:19:22

Jude statue on the mantle and said a silent prayer.

He wasn’t sure anyone was

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/23/2021:  04:31:44

really listening to his paranoid ramblings but continued his prayer just in case.

When he had collected himself

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2021:  05:09:54

he headed to the garage.

When he got there he had forgotten

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2021:  06:33:48

why he was there.

Senility has flummoxed

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2021:  07:17:44

his plans to win the Nobel Prize for literature.

He may have to settle for

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/23/2021:  09:15:21

an extension of his tenure as Walmart Greeter.

His favorite

OM45GE - Posted - 02/23/2021:  09:35:11

part of the day is when they send him out to collect shopping carts.

It's not really part of his job, but

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/23/2021:  09:56:08

he figures the good Lord wants him in shape to prevent heart attacks.



Pastor Parsimonius played football in his youth

Edited by - chuckv97 on 02/23/2021 09:57:01

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/23/2021:  13:40:09

but in time gave it up for Home Economics classes.



His main interest 

Edited by - Pick-A-Lick on 02/23/2021 13:40:22

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2021:  03:44:26

in football was trying to date the cheerleaders.

Unfortunately, they

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/24/2021:  06:59:26

thought him nerdy and sanctimonious.

So he asked Penelope

OM45GE - Posted - 02/24/2021:  07:09:57

Goodbody to be his prom date.

After she stopped laughing, she said

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/25/2021:  06:34:39

“hey four eyes, not for a cheap bottle of wine would I give your nerdy and sanctimonious little pencil neck the time of day”.

That exchange

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2021:  07:15:19

resulted in a long soul-search for the downcast youth.

He vowed

OM45GE - Posted - 02/25/2021:  12:04:31

to get contact lenses and work on his physique at the gym.

That's exactly what he did, and after turning himself into an Adonis, he

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/25/2021:  13:30:21

once again approached Penelope Goodbody and asked her to be his prom date.

She was

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/25/2021:  13:55:52

taken aback by his transformation and exclaimed,”Would I ever !!”



Parsimonius swallowed hard

Edited by - chuckv97 on 02/25/2021 13:56:23

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/25/2021:  16:38:46

in anticipation of dancing with Penelope Goodbody’s good body.

Just the thought

OM45GE - Posted - 02/26/2021:  06:20:13

caused his palms to get sweaty and his breath to come in gasps.

He knew he had to

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/26/2021:  07:00:33

bolster his ribbon thin confidence level to match his Adonis persona.

So he

OM45GE - Posted - 02/26/2021:  07:29:47

went online to look for motivational courses.

He got sidetracked by

chuckv97 - Posted - 02/26/2021:  08:36:38

Oprah reruns on YouTube.

Her advice

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/26/2021:  09:01:01

to a guest who happened to be a wayward oaf much like him, was taken to heart.

She suggested

KyBanjo - Posted - 02/26/2021:  09:16:49

that he talk with Dr. Phil about his problems he was having.

Dr. Phil told him to

Pick-A-Lick - Posted - 02/26/2021:  09:23:01

write a letter to Dear Abby.

So now

OM45GE - Posted - 02/26/2021:  11:06:14

he's composing a letter to her hoping she doesn't tell him to consult Oprah.

He will have come full circle