banjoscotty - Posted - 03/25/2017:  06:56:54

a large oak table but it was a folding card table.

Her promoter said she should

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/25/2017:  09:50:50

lose a few pounds before the next performance.

Alas, the card table

OM45GE - Posted - 03/25/2017:  16:42:29

was not intended for performance art and collapsed with a clatter.

The patrons around the table

Forrest - Posted - 03/25/2017:  18:07:02

quickly threw their bodies on the ground to cushion her fall.

2 of the Patrons were

OM45GE - Posted - 03/25/2017:  23:02:57

seriously injured when they were trampled by the gathering crowd. 

It was quickly turning into

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/26/2017:  00:45:57

a blood and guts affair, the norm for that seedy establishment.

First responders

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/26/2017:  02:50:24

just reached out and grabbed something.

Second responders

Forrest - Posted - 03/26/2017:  11:34:41

were surprised to find themselves grabbed by those next in line. 

This was a gropefest of

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/26/2017:  11:37:15

the highest order, not seen since the annual bazaar grabbag table.

Never grab an old bag

OM45GE - Posted - 03/27/2017:  02:41:38

without checking what's inside. 

You just might 

Forrest - Posted - 03/27/2017:  08:31:43

end up holding something that you never expected to have in your hand. 

The grabbing reached a fevered pitch

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/27/2017:  11:21:24

at least as high as 104*F which caused a heated exchange between grabbers and gabbers.

Never gab with a pitcher throwing high heat

Forrest - Posted - 03/27/2017:  11:31:49

, especially one with a hot hand on a sensitive part of your anatomy.

The grabbing quickly turned to squeezing

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/27/2017:  14:21:20

so they all gave up.

They all went to Sam& Joe's for a

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/27/2017:  14:28:33

shot of whisky and a few pickled eggs.

Yesterday I put the squeeze on my bank manager

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/28/2017:  02:46:26

And he pushed the alarm button.

I never thought to check

OM45GE - Posted - 03/28/2017:  03:10:22

the wording of the note I handed him asking for a withdrawal. 

Apparently "Give me all the cash" isn't the same as

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/28/2017:  08:03:50

"I'd like to make a withdraw please"..

The police showed up and

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/28/2017:  08:52:43

busted me for incorrect punctuation.

Then they asked me to bend over

Forrest - Posted - 03/28/2017:  11:17:35

and pick up the paper I'd dropped while they were busting me. 

The next thing I knew, 

OM45GE - Posted - 03/28/2017:  13:54:28

I was in handcuffs and sitting in the back of a patrol car.

The donut crumbs were everywhere and I was nauseated by the smell of 

Forrest - Posted - 03/28/2017:  14:29:29

sweaty bacon and nervous anticipation.

The first thought that went through my head was

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/28/2017:  14:50:05

"Why on earth did my parents have to make whoopee!?"

The ride downtown,however, was pleasant

Edited by - chuckv97 on 03/28/2017 14:50:55

Forrest - Posted - 03/28/2017:  18:05:47

with the real fun starting as soon as we got to the police station.

The 3 bean burritos with extra guacamole that I'd eaten earlier

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/29/2017:  04:08:19

began to activate.

But that's another foul story and the desk officer

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/29/2017:  06:06:48

passed out after issuing misdemeanor charges.

Burrito-eating perps are now

Forrest - Posted - 03/29/2017:  07:31:38

considered hazardous material and are taken directly to isolation in a specially ventilated space.

My time in jail was

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/29/2017:  08:18:45

interrupted by going to court..

The judge said he would

OM45GE - Posted - 03/29/2017:  09:25:01

throw the book at me but it was a big heavy book and he didn't want to hurt him self on a petty criminal like myself.

Instead he threw

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/29/2017:  09:57:32

threw his back out reaching underneath his chair for his whisky flask.

I'd drink too ,if

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/29/2017:  10:02:22

I was as ugly as he is.

The food is pretty good here in jail but the

Forrest - Posted - 03/29/2017:  11:39:19

decor could use some work, especially in the common areas.

My decorating suggestions were

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/29/2017:  13:06:17

voted down by the cons on death row.

The Chaplin put in a good word

Forrest - Posted - 03/29/2017:  13:37:13

because he is a big fan of my sense of color and space. 

I can't wait to start

OM45GE - Posted - 03/29/2017:  17:41:08

coming up with ideas to maximize the feng shui in here.

One of the challenges will be

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/29/2017:  17:56:10

tearing out the cell bars and replacing them with French doors.

Moving the warden's office to death row

OM45GE - Posted - 03/30/2017:  05:52:07

will be the first step and then installing the massage tables in his old office.

Hiring the masseuses will

Forrest - Posted - 03/30/2017:  08:14:30

be an interesting challenge as they'll need to be an all-male staff to keep the appearance of propriety. 

The job description contains

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/30/2017:  08:32:30

obscure references to rubber hammers and rubber bullets.

The International Brotherhood of Cons

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/30/2017:  13:13:51

are in charge of the transformation.

But they have only 6 days to

OM45GE - Posted - 03/31/2017:  04:36:12

complete the construction and get everyone moved in before the party syupplies arrive.

They're planning to

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/31/2017:  05:25:16

escape in the catering trucks.

They have all been very

Forrest - Posted - 03/31/2017:  06:45:01

meticulous with their planning and preparations down to the smallest detail.

The one thing they didn't anticipate was

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/31/2017:  07:39:37

the warden's daughter - no easy pushover ,being the captain of the State Champion hockey team of the "Girls Are ToothlessToo Hockey League".

Since childhood, her favo(u)rite

OM45GE - Posted - 03/31/2017:  09:16:24

method of resolving disagreements is with fisticuffs. 

Her left hook is

banjoscotty - Posted - 03/31/2017:  10:11:27

more effective that her upper cut.

She likes to give you the knee in

OM45GE - Posted - 03/31/2017:  10:32:42

groin when she catches you looking at her chest.

It happens to me all the time and

chuckv97 - Posted - 03/31/2017:  10:49:14

I've been trying to rid myself of this badboy habit.

My good points, however,

OM45GE - Posted - 03/31/2017:  11:12:24

are really good points indeed, although if I wear a hat, nobody seems to notice them.

Having a point isn't always