I thought there were three stages:   tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly. [...better presented verbally with a written 
"explanation," if need be.]

Bit dark.

A city slicker bought a ranch out west where he intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
”Well,” said the would-be-cowboy. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y.”
”But, where are all your cattle?”
”None have survived the branding.”

How long does it take to tune a banjo?........

No one knows - nobody’s ever done it.

chuckv97

I bought some banjo strings that the package claims are "Pre-Tuned". I got a really good deal from this guy selling out of the back of his car trunk at the Farmer's Market. I always try to help the needy...and I really need pre-tuned strings. I'll report after I figure out how to open the package.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrATQZt8lDQ

The IRS has returned my tax return to me this year after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly ....... In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" I wrote, "9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington."  The IRS stated the answer I gave was "unacceptable!"  I then wrote back "Who did I leave out????"

A man retired after many years at work. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank”. "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut water."

"Oh it's not coconut water," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please back up to the men’s tee.”

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”

Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?”

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf. “Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.

“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”

“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”

via MEME

m.youtube.com/watch?v=uTGlt3gLC0M

Don’t think I could tell it any better than Hoyt

I saw this posted on another site tonight.  It took me a couple of minutes to get it.  

dr: we had to remove your colon
me why

.

A Scottish man was attending his first major League baseball game. The first batter hit a double. The crowd roared. Wanting to be a part of the celebration the man chimed in; run with pride Laddie. Run with pride. The second batter hit a single. The crowd roared again. The man again chimed in; run with pride, Laddie. Run with pride. Well, the third batter drew a walk. The crowd roared again. The man chimed in; run with pride Laddie. Run with pride. The man sitting next to him, sensing that the Scot was new to the game, informed him that the batter got four balls on him and was allowed to walk to the base. Walk with pride Laddie. Walk with pride...

And those of us who know our Roman history can never forget Julius Caesar's dying gasp:

"Who invited JOHN BELUSHI to hear my speech??"

(Belushi,  screen right, as an Italian, had a Civic DUTY to be there!!)

The conspirator Casca, directly behind Julius, stabbed him to death with what certainly SEEMS to be a frozen candy bar. And ate it before the cops showed up.

Q: What is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A: Butane, it's a lighter fluid.  

The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries - $1 each.

I thought to myself: “These should be free of charge.”

I'm a big fan of elephant jokes:

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?
A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Q: Why does an elephant have round flat feet?
A: So that it can walk across lily pads.

My wife has been taking language classes using Duolingo.

Now I'm deaf in four languages.

This is an old one, but it is a good illustration of the inconsequences in the English language: