quote:

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Originally posted by gnarledFingers

I'm a big fan of elephant jokes:

Q: Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?
A: So it could hide in a cherry tree.

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And the follow-up:

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

No.

See - it works!

How could I forget the follow up! I first heard that joke from my high school civics teacher. Me and a buddy both burst out laughing to the point of tears in an otherwise dead silent room...I guess elephant jokes are not for everyone :P

How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
You open the door and put it in there!

How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?
Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?
No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put the girraffe in there.

All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?
The lion?
No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge!

If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you? T
You would walk over the bridge.
"No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!

 

Some others:

How do you know that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter!

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How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
Two in the rear seat and two in the fron seat!

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What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella!

Hi

here's my tuppence worth

Q. Why are elephants grey and wrinkled?
A. Cos if they were round and white they'd be an asprin!!

Q. Whats the difference between an elephant and a post box?
A I'm not sending you to post a letter

Jim

Elephant jokes gave was to stuff like:

Q.: What's purple and lives at the bottom of the ocean?
A.: Moby Grape.

Moby Grape 1967.

Why do ducks have flat feet? For stomping out Forrest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? For stomping out flaming ducks.

A young boy visits his Grandpa and loves to sit in his Grandpa's favorite chair. One day while visiting the boy takes advantage of the bowl of peanuts on the table beside the chair. When his Grandpa enters the room the young boy apologizes for eating all the peanuts, to which Grandpa replied... "That's OK,...I don't mind... At my age... with no teeth...I can't eat peanuts...I can only suck the chocolate off them."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.”

“I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can't stand being stuck behind a desk.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don't like factories, and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

 

Q. How do you stop a charging elephant?

A. You take away his credit cards.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it..............)

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

I was visiting my daughter last nite when I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. 

"This is the 21st. century," she said  "we don't waste money on newspapers... here use my iPad."

I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him.

.

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of ...."

Here the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f****d."

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

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A Drill Sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said: "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied: "Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."

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The company commander and the sergeant were in the field. As they go to bed for the night, the first sergeant said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The commander said: "I see millions of stars."

Sgt: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

Sgt: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

How about an HONEST advertisement?

Speaking of diets, my wife always tries the latest "fad" since she is "on a quest" to lose weight.
She heard of a new diet the other day and (of course) had to give it a go.  I didn't think it would work.

To my surprise she lost 5 pounds the first week/ 10 pounds the next 2 months in a row/ and another
15 pounds the month after that.  I figure if she keeps up with this diet I'll be rid of her forever in just 2 more years!

Q: Why do lead guitarists walk around the stage when they play?
A: To get away from the sound