...which leads to the punchline about the bull warming up by going into the barn and slipping into a nice warm Jersey... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jersey_(clothing)

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

 

There was a professor who continued to lecture during an air-raid even though plaster was falling from the walls, till the chairman said "I'm afraid I must stop you there, our premises will not sustain your conclusion."

A beautiful, shapely young lady was left to run an old country store, in a rather short mini skirt. Several young men gather, along with one elderly gentleman. After talking among themselves as to who would approach the young lady first, one steps up to the counter. She asks, what do you need? After looking around, he asks for a loaf of raisin bread, high up on the top shelf. The young lady proceeds to get the ladder, climb up, and retrieve the product. The smiling young man pays and leaves. The second young man follows suit, also requesting a loaf of raisin bread from high on the top shelf. So goes the third and fourth young man. All leave with a broad smile after the ladder climb and their purchase. Then the old man steps to the counter. The young lady remarks, "I suppose yours is raisin too?" The old man answers, "no, only twitchin' a little. but if you climb that ladder one more time like that, mine will be raisin' too.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

... I suspect many have heard this before, but as best as I can remember, I hadn't:

Q:   ..... You know why Dolly Parton has such small feet?

A: Things don't grow well in the shade.

[Picked up that tidbit at Seniors' Center card game this a.m....  BHO has competition as a source for "wisdom."]

I always take an extra pair of pants with me when I go to play golf. In case I get a hole in one...

“You’re late on the tee, John.”

“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”

“Okay, but why are you so late?”

“I had to toss it 15 times!”

A cute little female fly was sitting on a cow patty in a field
A male fly spotted her and landed on a patty close to hers. He said "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Give a man a plane ticket, and he'll fly for a day
Throw a man off a flight and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

One of my many MANY sisters git this in an e-mail from her friend Pam:

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I substitute in the high schools one or two days a week.  The other day a teacher walked by in a sweatshirt.  On the back it read,

"Alexa, grade my papers."

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Okay, so this may not be a joke as such, but a friend of mine sent me a piece on most heart warming Christmas ads.....and I was surprised that my favourite was not there.....so I included it here for your (hopefully) enjoyment...

vimeo.com/155987024

quote:

---

Originally posted by banyes

Okay, so this may not be a joke as such, but a friend of mine sent me a piece on most heart warming Christmas ads.....and I was surprised that my favourite was not there.....so I included it here for your (hopefully) enjoyment...

vimeo.com/155987024

---

Just in time for "National Lock Your Friend In An Old Refrigerator Day" !

**********************

OK, seriously: That was a VERY nice bit of film.

Thanks for sharing it with this crusty old man.

.... a month late for Thanksgiving??  .... or 11 months early??   ...or right on time for Christmas??

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends.
But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: August 21, 2017

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

.

I've seen this before... don't know whether on this thread or not.... in any event:

The 4 stages of a men's life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus