...

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I left my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting........I wonder what she’s up to now?

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?

"Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door."

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

"Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

"Zelda, you've always been by my side. When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side. When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side. When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side. When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side. And now when I'm dying; you are at my side............”

"Zelda, you're a jinx!!"

I've told this before - - but I'm not sure if it was here on the BHO.  My apologies if I'm being "redundant".    

A man retired at age 65 and as "retirement present" for himself, he bought the brand new corvette that he'd always wanted.  He'd been frugal all his years and only drove "mediocre cars" and saved his money.  But when he retired he decided to splurge - - thus the corvette.

He took it out on the highway and was cautious with it at first, then he thought  "What the heck, let's see what this baby can do!"  He floored the accelerator and soon he was going 60, then 70, then 80, then 100 miles per hour.  That's when he noticed the flashing lights of a state patrol police car chasing behind him.  With a "devil-may-care" attitude he pushed the gas pedal even harder and was soon traveling at 125 miles per hour.  The state patrolman was still in pursuit, and suddenly the man thought "WHAT AM I DOING??!!?  I can't outrun him".  
So he slowed down and pulled over and  came to a stop.

The state patrolman came up to the corvette with his ticket book open in his hand,
and looked through the open window at the driver and said:
"It's a Friday evening, and it's only 15 minutes before quitting time for me. 
I DON'T want to have to spend the next 3 hours doing paperwork.  So - - -
If you can give me an excuse for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said: "15 years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. 
When I saw your lights in my rear view mirror -- I was afraid you were bringing her back."

The trooper paused/ shut the ticket book /turned  back to his patrol car and said:  "Have a nice weekend"!

Did you hear about the banjo picker that played so far out of tune that the other banjo players started to notice?

Of all the unpleasant ways to be awakened....



"Mommy.... my fart is on the floor!"

takes the cake!

This one’s for Janolov.....

I was going to write my autobiography in ancient Norse......but my life would be runed!

quote:

---

Originally posted by banyes

This one’s for Janolov.....

I was going to write my autobiography in ancient Norse......but my life would be runed!

---

Now that’s funny!

Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day when it was pouring down rain she asked her husband how he knew which he replied with “Ruldolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Froggy's Loan,

The plaque on her desk read, "Miss Patty Wack, Loan Officer."  Froggy the talking frog took a seat opposite Patty and explained his reason for needing money.  Patty said, "okay Mr. Froggy, we can help you but you will need some collateral."  Froggy retrieved several small glass figurines from his pocket and set them on Patty's desk.  Confused, Patty looked incredulously at the frog.  Then she got up, swept his offer off her desk.  Then turning her back on him, she marched straight into the bank president's office.  She set Froggy's offer on the president's desk and said, "see the frog at my desk?"  " He's in here asking for a loan, but when I asked for collateral, all he could produce were these things."  The bank president looked at her and said, "why that's knick knick Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."  

.

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Edit: I don't know how to size these things .... looks okay, and then when I submit," it's considerably bigger.     :(

Jacob walks into his boss's office.
"Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise."
After a few minutes of negotiating the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Jacob happily gets up to leave.
"By the way", asks the boss as Jacob is getting up, "which three companies are after you?"
"The electric company, water company, and phone company", Jacob replied.

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But the people in Abu Dhabi do!

Consarn it, Roy! All I said was "Dale, that skirt makes your butt look BIG!" and she whipped out her Bowie knife and RUINED my hat!

--G. Hayes

From the archives :

A cowboy is giving a talk to some school kids explaining that everything a cowboy wears has a purpose. He says, "Now, my hat is shaped the way it is to keep the sun off my face and the back of my neck and if my horse needs a drink I can use my hat to scoop him up some water"....."Any I pull this bandana here that's around my neck up over my face so that I don't get dust in my eyes and nose when I'm trailing cattle".... A little boy sitting in the front row says, "How come you're wearing tennis shoes instead of Cowboy Boots"? The cowboy smiles and says, "That's so folks don't mistake me for a truck driver"