Robert the Deacon sent me this one.

Thought i'd share it.

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I've attached it as a JPG image, with the lyrics emphasized, to fit Judy Garland's onscreen delivery.

Ain't that a LOT better??

Four ex-U.S. Presidents were caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

I was attacked by a gang of mimes last night......they did unspeakable things to me!

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Owie!

Owie who?

Not too bad. Owie you? 

.

I once saw a movie that was so cheesy the lead actress was Pam Gruyere.

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

Is an Alaskan eye doctor a REAL person,

or just an optical Aleutian?

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

"The man replied,"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

Here's the joke that won the 'funniest gag award' at the Edinburgh fringe festival this year:

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets

Runners up were:

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

There was a new CEO at a company who decided to fire all of the slackers, and when he gets done with that, he finds a dude leaning on his desk.

He thinks "What the #$%#@ is he doing!?" So he walks up to the guy and says "What the #$%#@ are you doing!?"

The guy says "I'm waiting to get paid."

The CEO says "OK, how much do you get paid in a week?"

The guy says "About $300." The CEO gives the guy $1200, and says "Now go away and never come back!"

The guy walks away.

The CEO says "Will someone please tell me what the #$%#@ I just did!?"

An employee says "You just tipped the pizza man $1200." 

 

Why did they invent the 6-string banjo?

So guitarists can pretend to play the banjo.

What chord don't atheist musicians believe exists?

G sus.