Haven't gone through all 52 pages to see if this one's been told:
(Even if I had, no guarantee I'd remember it)....
Guy walks into a burger joint in Kissimmee, Florida and says to the kid at the register, “Say, how to you pronounce the name of this place?”
The kid leans over and talks real loud and slow: “BUR-GER KING!”
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!"
Whenever you go ice fishing - - -
Be sure to bring an action figure along with you!
Edited by - dmiller on 02/21/2019 17:27:01
quote:
Originally posted by WyozarkHaven't gone through all 52 pages to see if this one's been told:
(Even if I had, no guarantee I'd remember it)....
Guy walks into a burger joint in Kissimmee, Florida and says to the kid at the register, “Say, how to you pronounce the name of this place?”
The kid leans over and talks real loud and slow: “BUR-GER KING!”
Interesting. I heard that same joke about 40 years ago, but the name in question was Mexia, Texas, and the punch line was Dairy Queen.
I am posting this here because I don't know where else to go with it....
Did You Know???
*It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
*A human hair can hold 3 kg.
*The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.
*The femur is as hard as concrete.
*A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
*Women blink 2 times as much as men.
*We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
*A woman has read this entire text.
*A man is still looking at his thumb.....
quote:
Did You Know???
*It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
*A human hair can hold 3 kg.
*The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.
*The femur is as hard as concrete.
*A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
*Women blink 2 times as much as men.
*We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
*A woman has read this entire text.
*A man is still looking at his thumb.....
Another thread jolted my memory of this one:
Two older couples were out for a Sunday drive. As was often the case of this generation the husbands sat in the front and the wives were in the back seat to talk.
One husband complained that he had problems with his memory slipping. The other husband, driving the car, said, "you need to get some of the medicine I'm taking. It works great!"
"What is it?" his friend asked.
The driver squinted and thought real hard. "What is the name of that flower that is red and we usually give our wives on Valentine's Day?"
His friend said, "A rose?"
"Yes! That's it!"
Calling over his shoulder he said, "Rose, what's that memory medicine I'm taking?"
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
quote:
Originally posted by HarleyQDid You Know???
*It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
*A human hair can hold 3 kg.
*The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.
*The femur is as hard as concrete.
*A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
*Women blink 2 times as much as men.
*We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
*A woman has read this entire text.
*A man is still looking at his thumb.....
Well, I'll no longer consider a gal telling me "You're all thumbs" as an insult about my clumsiness!
Thank you.
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says,
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
A window salesman phoned a customer. “Hello, Mr. Brown,” said the Sales Rep, “I’m calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven’t sent us a single payment.”
The customer replied, “But you said they’d pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months.”
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white, and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said.
"We get red when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bill, and Blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
"I wonder where I left my clothes??????"
-A. Rodin-
quote:
Originally posted by dmillerWhenever you go ice fishing - - -
Be sure to bring an action figure along with you!
Save the whales!
Collect the whole set.
A young girl and her teacher are arguing about whether humans can be swallowed by whales. Her teacher says that it's impossible for whales to swallow humans because whales have small throats.
The little girl says, "How can this be? Jonah got swallowed by a whale."
The teacher says, "That's not even a true story."
The girl says,"When I go to heaven, I'll ask him."
The teacher says, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?"
The girl says, "Then you ask him."
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.
"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"
"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
I'm trying to remember a song title. It's an instrumental and goes: deedle deedle dah, deedle dah, deedle dah".
Can anyone help me remember the name?
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