A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.
After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last moment. However, at the same time, the hitchiker opened and closed the door.

After that, the hitchhiker said "Your sight sucks. We wouldn't have hit him if I hadn't opened the door."

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!

quote:

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Originally posted by banyes

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger.

He asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in the same car would be astronomical.

---

My old friend PAUL says this really happened to him, in his traveling salesman career.

Picked up a hitchiker ( back in the early 60's, when folks were  usually nicer about such things.)

A little ways down the road, fellow pulls out a revolver, tells him to pull over and get out.

Instead, Paul puts the pedal down and says

"If you shoot me at THIS speed, we'll probably roll over and BOTH die. I travel this road a LOT, and there's an overpass about a mile ahead. I'm going to slam YOUR side of the car into it, at whatever the top speed of this car IS.

We might BOTH die, but FOR SURE, you will. So, toss the gun and I'll pull over.

Kid tosses the gun, Paul goes down the road far enough the kid might not FIND it again,  pulls over, gives the kid a beating. (Paul was not OLD when this happened.)

Leaves the kid on the roadside, drives into town, reports the incident to the police.

Police say something along the line of they KNOW that kid. Always been a troublemaker, says they'll o look for him.

-------------------------------------------

No way to know if Paul made it up, so I'm just passing it along as an interesting story.

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "Oh, that's okay. I'm sorry for your loss."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' just as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
He agreed and said he'd be glad to say "Good bye, Mom."
So she went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, she turned back and the guy called out, "Goodbye, Mom. See you later."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Glad that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his stuff.
The check-out girl said: "A box of Preparation H, a pack of gum and some Slim Jims. That comes to $121.85."
"You gotta be kidd'en me!!! That's only four items!!!!" he blurted.
The check-out girl replied, "Yeah, but your Mom said you'd be paying for her things, too."

> An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
>
> He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
>
> Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
>
> Dr Young : "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
>
> Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
>
> Dr Young: 'Aaaaaaagh! -- That's Gasoline!"
>
> Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!
> You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
>
> Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
>
> Dr Young : "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
>
> Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
>
> Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
>
> Dr Geezer: "Congratulations ! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
>
> Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days to have his revenge.
>
> Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
>
> Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a one dollar bill).
>
> Dr Young: "But this is only a one dollar bill!"
>
> Dr Geezer: " Congratulations ! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
>
> Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer” .
>
> *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to get us pretty PO'ed.

...lifted from Facebook:   

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=433059434180853&set=a.109210769899056&type=3&theater

One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your Easter sermons people slept.  When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons......
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.

Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'

Two engineers were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.

At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.
After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

What app do monkeys use when they want to hook up?

OrganGrindr.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iphone and charge them a $1000 bucks for it.

The epitome of the "Three Prices You Pay".

1)  The price you actually paid;
2)  The price you told her that you paid;  and
3)  The price you pay once she finds out what you actually paid. 

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money.

The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" 

 

MATH LESSONS
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a b**ch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a b**ch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?!!!!!"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes, just like that," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother immediately phoned the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?!!!!"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
Her temper boiling over, the mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**ch is four?!!"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

.

"After all we've meant to each other, I find you snuggling up to a HUMAN! If I figure out how to get that LIGHTER working, THEN you'll both be sorry!"

-Cheetah the Chimp-

"But, darling, when you STARTED trying to tune that big ol' fiddle, I was sitting here with a CREW CUT!"

CONSCIOUS Nemo

SUB Conscious Nemo

Godfather dying. He calls his
grandson to his bedside.

"Pauli, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a
my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will
always remember me."

"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna
be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and
maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you
watch and say, 'times up'?"