Potential product tie-in for a remake of "A Clockwork Orange".
Alex (in voiceover): "After a bit of the old ultra-violence, my brothers and I were ready for a little of the old in-n-out, in-n-out....burger."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human: it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to Hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then YOU ask him'.

Teacher: "What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?"

Pupil: "You can't keep a good man down!"

This is a nod to Mike G's Paint My Garage joke...

I met a girl at the bar the other night & she told me she would show me a good time.

When we got outside she ran the 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds! 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Range Rover when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Range Rover. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl chirped, 'They will in a minute!!!'

Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet
Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: Where's the p?
Boy: "Half way down my leg."

Hi

My colleaue just told me this one......

I went to Edinburgh zoo today .Passed an enclosure containing French bagettes and American kaiser rolls. I spoked to a keeper about them and he assured me they were bread in captivity.

apologies

Jim

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of bread slices.
The nun posted a sign on the bread tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the bread."

Apologies to Elton John fans.

A Cyclone blew across the Pacific Rim. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the confident Dr. Smythe. "Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.
"So what?" shouted Marcus.
"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.

The Irish fisherman

The rain was pouring down.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?". "Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?”

“You’re the eighth”, replied the old fisherman.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good
for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I
found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a
"Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome." she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her
daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't. Sounds real interesting."

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's
your lucky night." We went back to her place. We walked
in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Hey, Mom! You still awake?"

Couple more.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The bartender says “What an interesting pet, what's his name?”

“Tiny” the man replies.

“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because … He’s my newt.

Not a joke per se, but I think it's kinda funny.  The principle characters are my nephew (Jake), a friend of his and their mothers... back when Jake was 6 or 8.  The two had been playing outside together and were called home for lunch.  Next thing, the friend's mom phones over saying the friend is quite upset because Jake had thrown some doggy-doo into the friend's face.  Mom asks Jake and he admits to it, but explains that the friend had done it to him first.  Mom conveys this to the friend's mom... who then asks the friend, who then confirms that Jake's version is accurate, "...but he didn't have his mouth open."

Not for the faint of heart:

https://webmail.core.com/src/download.php?startMessage=1&passed_id=120973&mailbox=INBOX&ent_id=2&passed_ent_id=0

Oh, MARY74, how COULD you???!!!?!

Another TRUE story, but the boys actually have the SAME first name, so I changed at least one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donny & Eric are school chums, about 11 years old.

Donny gets a scratch on his leg, a bit of blood soaks through the front of his trousers,.
Tells Eric that Eric's dog BIT him on the scrotum.
Eric apologizes profusely.
Boys head to their separate homes, and Eric tells his his mom how BAD he feels that Dixie ( the dog's REAL name) bit his best friend on the you-know what, hard enough to draw blood.

Eric's mom calls Donny's mom to apologize, and offer to cover the medical expenses.
Donny's mom says she noticed the blood, right away, asked Donny, and he said he got scratched on a branch, SHOWED her a scratch, far enough to clearly be well away from the scrotal area.

So Eric's mom thanks her for the info, asks her not to make a big deal out of a harmless fib.

And THEN, Eric's mom tells Eric:
"Tomorrow, at school, apologize again, and tell Donny that Dad explained that we cannot harbor a vicious dog, took her back in the woodlot, and shot her.

Eric DOES tell Donny this, and, since Donny knows Dixie is not only INNOCENT, but is one of the nicest dogs in town, Donny goes completely to pieces.

Eric lets him suffer for a bit, and then explains
"You lied to ME, and I just lied to YOU. Have we LEARNED anything today?"

The last Knock Knock joke.

Knock Knock.?

Who's there?

Doorbell repairman! 

Not actually a joke, but something from real life that made me laugh, a lot.
PS The Cure are a British rock band that I greatly enjoy listening to.

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a b**** owes me 800 bucks!"

A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbell rings. He gets up, answers the door and again doesn't see anyone until he looks down and sees a large garden snail at his feet. He picks it up and the snail says to him,

"What the **** was THAT all about?!"

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is good quality.”
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger.

He asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in the same car would be astronomical.