Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'

A banjo player and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud knocking on the door.
The banjo player got up, went to the door and found a ukulele player standing in the pouring rain.
"I need a push", said the ukulele player.
"Not a chance", said the banjo player, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning", slammed the door and went back to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some ukulele player guy asking for a push", he answered.
"Did you help him?", she asked.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside" he said.
"Well, .... you have a short memory", said the wife, "don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two nice young men helped us?. I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself".
The banjo player does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He called out into the dark night, "Hello, are you still there?".
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", called the banjo player.
"Yes please", came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?", asked the banjo player.
The ukulele player replied, "Over here on the swing".

This brings back memories.....

I was going to pray for a bike, but I knew God didn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Yogi Berra was sound asleep at 2am when the phone rang. The caller, Whitey Ford, said, “Hi Yogi, hope I didn’t wake you.” Yogi answered, “ It’s ok, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.” (true story)

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. 
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!" 
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Two cannibals were eating a Clown, one asked ‘’does this taste funny?’’

Two atoms were walking down the street and one of them said "I think I lost an electron!" the other said "Are you sure?" and the first one replied, "Yes, I'm positive".

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

Two peanuts were walking through the park and one of them was a salted.

(read it out loud)

A seal walks into a local pub.

Bar keep: What will you have?

Seal: Anything but a Canadian Club.

I suggested to Irene that we give the Grandbabies a stuffed baby seal and a whiffle bat, to get them ready to face the fact that it's a harsh world out there.

She was not amused.

Us Kiwis like to give our Aussie 'cousins' a stir up now and then.
So, in that tradition I offer the following (you really should know the words to 'Waltzing Matilda', and what a 'billy' is though).


An Aussie blonde found herself in Heaven.
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,’ St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
`Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde.... 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

 The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath.   He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 "Just water," says the priest.

 The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 The priest looks at the trooper and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

It seems a lady had too much wine at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.

Upon being tested, the girl couldn't walk a straight line any more than she could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated woman, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to her, drove home and went to bed.

She was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Ms. Johnson?" they asked?

She admitted that she was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"

Again, the woman admitted that was she.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked.

The woman replied that she drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired.

The woman answered that it was in the garage.

 "May we see the car?" asked the troopers.

The woman answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car. 

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and the priest says "Do you have a feeling of deja vu?"

St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan.

"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play? 

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. 
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.  So I drink one for each of me brothers and one for me self."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 
But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

A man comes up to St. Peter at the pearly gates and Peter asks him, "How did you die?" and the man replies "I had suspected that my wife was cheating on my, so I came home one day unannounced and found the bed clothes rumpled, and I could smell a man's cologne that was not mine. I tore the apartment apart looking for him and finally I was so upset that I pushed the refrigerator to the balcony and pushed it over the edge. At that point I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter said that he needed to repent for his anger and would have to go to Purgatory for 6 months.
The next man came up and St. Peter asked him how he died. The man replied, "Well picture this, you're sitting naked inside a refrigerator . . .

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".