A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55."

"Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82."

"How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."

After years of nagging by friends and family, all of the female persuasion, I have finally conceded and agreed that it would be in my best interest, health wise, to become a vegetarian. They reluctantly coerced me to see it their way. They proved to not trust me and made me promise to adhere to a strict vegan diet.


I wonder if they heard me add the qualifier of "at least I will be a vegan between meals"?

Vegan Mom: Honey, Animals are living breathing things and we can't eat them!

Son: If animals aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat? 

 

Banyes's "lawyers exchanging sandwiches" reminded me of this one.  Note... It's a joke that disparages a whole group of people, so if you're not okay with that, don't read on.  In this particular case it's Ukrainians, the way I first heard it, but that's not set in stone. FWIW I have several Ukrainian friends and neighbours, and we get along just fine.

The sarge of the Ukrainian army greets his troops at daybreak with the news that he has some good news and some bad news for them, and asks which they want to hear first.  Without much ado, they decide on the bad followed by the good.  

The bad news?  ... "I realize it's windy and raining, but we're heading out this afternoon on a ten-day march."   Predictably this is met with some pissing and moaning, but as the troops have no say in the matter, they quickly accept the inevitable.

"Okay, Sarge, what's the good news?"

"Today we're going to change underwear."  This gets a much better reception; generally a happy crew, even some semi-boisterous cheering.

"Okay...  Gus, you change with Mike... Pete, you change with Stan... Ed, you change ...  ."

I was zipping merrily down the street, saw a sign that said

"SPEED LIMIT 25 MPH WHEN CHILDREN ARE PRESENT"

I wondered:

What would the speed limit be, for a motorist who does not perceive a child as a present, but as a noisy little nuisance?

SHIFFER ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY CORP ANNOUNCES BRAIN ENHANCEMENT CHIP

Researchers and engineers at SHIFFER announced today that they have developed a microchip which can be simply glued to the back of the ear, and will boost a persons intellect by anywhere from 48 to 112%.

They call it "THE Brain"(TM).

So, if you're talking to someone who SEEMS to be VERY sure that EVERYTHING they know is RIGHT, and most of what YOU know is WRONG, don't feel insulted by their attitude of superiority.

Just remind yourself that they are  probably  one of those people who have Shiffer Brains.

Two guys were sat eating lunch and enjoying a pint in a pub. A woman on a nearby table stood up in a panic grasping her throat. It quickly became apparent that she was choking on the steak she was eating. One of the two guys sprang up, hoisted the ladies' skirt up, pulled down her nickers and stuck his tongue in the crack of her arse. The woman was so surprised that the piece of steak flew out of her mouth and she began breathing again. As the guy sat back down to cheers from amazed onlookers, his buddy patted him on the back and said " tell you what Bill, I know we studied it on our emergency first aid course at work, but I never really thought we would ever actually have to do the behind lick manoeuvre"

Last month scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.

About computer gender

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan. 
Men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent. 
They were three and we were two. I buck one and Tim buck two."

Let us not forget that, after Timbuktu became the emblem of a far-away place, there was a band called Timbuk 3.

.... ooops... posted then changed my mind.        

A wife throws a party for her 50th wedding anniversary. As she and her husband are dancing, another guy is dancing, but by himself. He's really going at it, having a ball, and the woman tells her husband, "I invited Larry because he asked me to marry him the weekend before you did, and I turned him down. What do you think of that?"
After a second, the husband says, 'I see he's still celebrating."

This popped up on my Facebook page: 

The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help: "Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!" The police dispatcher responded,

"Sir, I don't think I heard you correctly? A cat at your home?"

"A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me!"

Again the police dispatch tried to correct him: "But how so? You mean a thief?"

"NO! I'm talking about a freaking cat, the one that does 'meow, meow', and it's coming my way!.... You have to come now!"

"So what about this cat coming toward you?" the officer replies trying to grasp the situation

"He's going to kill me, now he's going mental! And you will be the reason I die"

"Who is talking?" the officer asks

The parrot, you jac**ss! 
 

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up.

" The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled.

She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately.

Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!" 

 

Much as I enjoy staying in bed late, on chilly mornings, things eventually reach the point where I must either  rise and shine, or shine right there in the bed.

Speaking of getting up and out of bed:  Sometimes I wake up crabby. 
And at other times I just get up by myself and let her sleep.  

O.K. In no way do I think Epilepsy is funny.

I did not make this joke up. I am not that smart.

A guy at work said he went to a bar where he didn't know anyone.

He started cracking some jokes & other people were adding theirs.

He thought he'd add a dark one & Said...

Q. What do you do when someone is having a seizure in a bath tub?

A. Throw in some laundry.

Just then a guy came at him like he was ready to fight!

He Said "My brother died in a bathtub because of an epileptic seizure!!"

My friend said "Oh No! Did he drown?"

He said " No He Choked on a Sock! 

My guess is it's a beagle.

quote:

---

Originally posted by janolov

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55."

"Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82."

"How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."

---

You had me laughing at "a lawyer dies and goes to Heaven"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Collective groups of things have names that identify them, such as "a gang of buffalo", "a murder of crows", "a colony of bats". At a bluegrass jam session three or more five-stringed instruments would be "too much of banjos".

There was a big chess convention at the Doubletree in Nashville a couple weeks ago. There were all these chess afficianados in the lobby, discussing Queens Gambit, Gambit accepted, the French opening, etc; famous movements and the more obscure. The lobby was full!!!

Finally, the manager, fearing a visit from the fire Marshall, made an announcement: “We cannot have chess nuts loafing in an open foyer.”