Somebody is complaining that men today ain't got no CLASS!
The way I see it, if SUPERMAN gets to wear red undies on the outside, why can't we ALL?
That fella in the red underpants might have enough intelligence to be a member of the "710 Club".
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."
Good one!!! 
A man walks into a Starbucks with his iPad... He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him Then he realises... He was listening to his iPad with headphones.
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
Stay right away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
One of my Dad's jokes:
A drunk managed to stagger up to the nearest bus stop where he stood waiting for the next bus. He was way too wasted to drive home. About a minute later, an elderly lady came up with her little male dog on a leash. The little dog went over to the drunk, sniffed his shoes then turned around and hiked his little leg. When he did, that drunk suddenly jumped back about three feet. "Oh, that's okay," said the little old lady, "Binky won't bite you!!" "Well I know, " said the flustered drunk, "But the way he raised his leg, I thought he was gonna kick me!!!"
.
Blonde man jokes...
“A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."”
—————————————————
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
Edited by - chuckv97 on 05/30/2018 12:43:20
world renowned brain surgeon has a fancy party at his mansion and wouldn't you know it, 1 hour before it starts his whole septic system clogs up.. so he calls a 24 hour plumber and explains his delimma .. plumber says i'll be right over.... so the plumber arrives and the doc shows him the problem.. plumber goes to work and in 10 minutes all is flowing well,,, the doctor is so relieved and ask the plumber
how much? plumber says 8 thousand dollars!!! the doctor looks at him and says 8 THOUSAND DOLLARS???? sir i am a world renowned brain surgeon and i don't make that kind of money. plumber grins and says ,,oh yeah when i was a brain surgeon i didn't either ,, he's your reciept.
terry m
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
Don't worry, he's 0K now.
quote:
Originally posted by 1935tb-11world renowned brain surgeon has a fancy party at his mansion and wouldn't you know it, 1 hour before it starts his whole septic system clogs up.. so he calls a 24 hour plumber and explains his delimma .. plumber says i'll be right over.... so the plumber arrives and the doc shows him the problem.. plumber goes to work and in 10 minutes all is flowing well,,, the doctor is so relieved and ask the plumber
how much? plumber says 8 thousand dollars!!! the doctor looks at him and says 8 THOUSAND DOLLARS???? sir i am a world renowned brain surgeon and i don't make that kind of money. plumber grins and says ,,oh yeah when i was a brain surgeon i didn't either ,, here's your reciept.
terry m
An old hippie is standing on a street corner.. A little old lady walks up and says "Crosstown buses run tonight"? The Hippie replies, "Do Da, Do Da".
A fellow is getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone, but ... OK. They are even after the first two holes. The second bloke says, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
Reluctantly, the first fellow says he is not much for betting but, just to be companionable ... all right. The second bloke proceeds to wipe the course with him, easily winning the next 16 holes. As they are walking off the course, he is folding away the fellow's four crisp $20 notes into his wallet and confesses he is actually the pro at the neighbouring course and loves nothing more than picking on suckers.
When the first fellow reveals in turn that he is the parish priest, the pro is flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money, but the priest refuses. “No,” the priest says firmly. “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you, Father?” the second bloke says. “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Digestive problems joke,
CAUTION: Contains a word not usually allowed on a high-class website such as this.
My brother tells me he's taking his pickup in to have the serpentine belt replaced.
Since EVERYTHING reminds me of an old joke, here's the one THAT reminds me of:
------------------------------------
I tried eating a dictionary once, but it gave me thesaurus throat.
.
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
I would have GOTTEN that job as the head of the ART MUSEUM, except that, during the interview, when asked what the ELGIN MARBLES are, I said
"Spherical wristwatches!"
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