HALLOWE'EN STORY

Mister Ghost is standing by the window of their haunted mansion, looking out at the dreary autumn fields across the road, when Mrs. Ghost sneaks up behind him, and tries out a new scream she's been working on.

He spins around, and is breathing in and out rapidly.

"Did I  scare you at all?" she asks.

He replies "Scared me?? Hell yes! I'm panting in my sheets!"

A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked. 
"I'm the Devil!" she responded. 
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!" 

RESIST!

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool! The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas!  

An banjo player (who had way too much to drink )
is driving home from the city one night and his car is weaving and swerving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been tonight?"

" Why, I've been to my favorite pub . . . of course," slurs the plastered banjo player.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"You don't know the half of it." the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day.
I knew it would come back to haunt me.

I used to wonder why the closer a Frisbee got..the larger it looked...then it hit me

overheard at a terrorist suicide bomber college..the instructor said..."pay close attention..i am only going to show you this once"

According to some safety statistics, donkeys actually are responsible for killing more people annually than airplanes crashes.

So if you own one, you might want to watch your a## !

More of a funny story.

My wife found a Swiss Army knife that was really dirty & the red plastic ..Scales? are cracked & beat up.

The nail file looks gross & I would NEVER use the toothpick.

I was wondering if i could just soak it in something like alcohal or T.S.P. first.

I Googled .. How to clean a Swiss Army knife & the first thing that came up was ...

Marry a Swiss wife.

If you cross a Maltese..........................................with a Chocolate Lab,

do you get a

CHOCOLATE MALT??

The other day I was asked "Where do you see yourself in 3 years"?

I told them "I have no idea. I don't have 20/20 vision."    

A nice, calm, and respectable lady
went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband
Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

They say if you stand on a beer bottle in the middle of Saskatchewan and look off into the distance, you’ll see the back of your head.

RIDDLE me THIS!

"MUSICALLY speaking, what's the FASTEST vehicle ever constructed from COOKIES?"

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 OREO SPEEDWAGON!

Q.: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?

A.: Your dog. At least he'll shut up after you've let him in.

These two lovely ladies were banging on my hotel room door last night pleading,”Open the door! Open the door!” So after an hour of that I got up and let them out.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi I hate drawing wefare. I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'llhave to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.

The guy says You're "bullsh***ing me!"

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, then open a can of peas and place the peas around the hole. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!

It MIGHT work.

But, polar bears are powerful swimmers.

He might just swim under the ice to a thin spot, break through, and escape.

The preferred method around Uncle Morrie's cabin, was to get a tin box, like bandages used to come in, a tweezers, and a telescope.

When the bear approaches the peas, look at it through the BIG end of the telescope, grab it with the tweezers, and drop it in the box.

Snap the lid shut, and there ya go!

if you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.

THE PREACHER'S SON:

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:  1. A Bible.  2. A silver dollar.  3. A bottle of whiskey. 4. A Playboy magazine.  'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!"

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

i mighta posted this one before...

a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar one day...the bartender looks at them and says.."what is this?...some kinda joke?"

A lucky guy received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! "What a gyp," he thought to himself.

About halfway through the first quarter, the guy noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50- yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, the guy said to the man next to him,

"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967."

After a long pause the guy said:

"That's really sad, but, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No. None of them would go." the man replied, "They're all at her funeral today."

From FarmShow magazine: Ole was driving down the street and crashed into a yard, nearly hitting the house. As he got out to assess things the owner came running over and said "Are you okay? ...say...you look pretty old to still be driving."

"Vell, yes I am," says Ole, "I'll be 98 next month. I'm old enough now that I don't need a driver's license no more."

Surprised, the man asks, "Really! How'd you know that?"

Ole: " Da last time I vent to da doctor, he asked if I still had a license. I says 'ya' and handed it to him. He took it and cut it into little pieces an' trew it avay and said 'Yew von't need this anymore.' "