If I wrote a book about religious women would the library classify it as nun fiction?
quote:
Originally posted by banyes
Famous songs are funny.....who knew. https://www.facebook.com/PeterKayClips/videos/1566137253437035/
Then there's the guy that phoned in a request for that song Slow walkin' Walter. The DJ asked him to sing it & the guy went.... Slow walkin" Walter , The fire engine guy. Sung to the tune of Smoke on the water!
quote:
Originally posted by bubbalouie
quote:
Originally posted by banyes
Famous songs are funny.....who knew. https://www.facebook.com/PeterKayClips/videos/1566137253437035/
Then there's the guy that phoned in a request for that song Slow walkin' Walter. The DJ asked him to sing it & the guy went.... Slow walkin" Walter , The fire engine guy. Sung to the tune of Smoke on the water!
my all time PERSONAL favorite
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord,
He is trampling through the vineyards where the caves of rattlers snored...
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Being about 5 years old, AND having seen religious paintings or statues of the Blessed Virgin crushing the Serpent beneath her feet,
AND having listened to cowboy adventures on the radio, I knew that rattlesnakes DO hide in caves.
At 5, it made sense to me that IF Jesus was going to help His mommy stomp on snakes, the best time to do it would be when they were in their caves, asleep.
Learning to read sort of ruined that for me, but the memory lingers on.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
if you are attacked by a gang of clowns, whats the best way to defend yourself?...go for the juggler
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."
Out of Eden
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
The past,present and future walk into a bar...It was tense!
A Controversial Politician, a Famous Religious Leader, and a Banjo Hangout Moderator try to walk into a bar.
It was locked!
quote:
Originally posted by banyes
Out of Eden
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
How about a nice picture of the Angel with the Flaming Sword, guarding the entrance?
BY the WAY!
Declawed cats can STILL get into harmful fights....
A smile to share
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Canadians are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Canadians just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Canadian turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A teacher writes on a chalkboard the sentence: "A woman without her man is nothing"
The teacher then asks the boys to punctuate it properly, and they all write: "A woman, without her man, is nothing"
The teacher asks the girls to punctuate it and they write: "A woman: without her, man is nothing"
The trouble with many fortune tellers is that they belong to a non prophet organisation.
It's all in the numbers.... 5 out of 6 agree that Russian Roulette is safe!
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
Jan and Mike this one's for you....Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Bumped into a friend of mine who I hadn't seen for awhile. I asked him where he had been and he said Russia. He saw the Kremlin. I asked him if he saw Lenin's tomb, he said " yeah, but it's just another Russian plot".
A ninety year old guy goes to the doctor and has some tests ran. A few days later, he has an appointment with his doctor.
The doctor says, “Well, Leonard, everything looks great. Your tests are all normal. So how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Leonard replies, “Oh, yeah! God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Leonard's daughter to bring her up to date on her dad's health.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Your dad is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh CRAP!!!!”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s PEEING in the refrigerator again!”
Edited by - Omeboy on 08/03/2017 23:30:31
Here's one of my originals, posted here a few years back.
I'm still rather pleased with it.
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In the springtime, Do NOT play your banjo in 3/4 time, in an attempt to entice the animals who have come out of hibernation to regain their cardiovascular health!
For the Bible warns you:
THOU SHALL NOT WALTZ BEAR FITNESS!
There's three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who cant
From our friends at SAP.....After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You A-HOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
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