Memory-foam Pillow fights! There's one fight you'll never forget!
quote:
Originally posted by janolov
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?'
The doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
"I come from a family of failed magicians.....
I've got two half-sisters"
-Milton Jones-
For more Milton Jones one-liners, here's a link: http://https://youtu.be/CBtmNETgpCU
An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a loveseat and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital. Once at the hospital, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children. Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician. "How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "Are they alright?" The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..."
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually. 
A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie.
The genie says "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one".
So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.
The the red head makes her wish "I can't stand this place, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said: “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
I cant remember what the Roman Numerals are for 51, 6, and 500... man.. I'm LIVID ! ! !
In ancient Rome, when a man reached 50, he'd pretty much gone to L.
The family is in the car on their way home from church. From the back seat, their young son says, "I know God's first name!"
"Really?" says Mom, indulgently. "What is it?"
"It's Andy," says the little boy.
"How do you know?" she asks.
"It's in the song: 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me . . . "
Edited by - Rawhide Creek on 05/26/2017 19:09:03
Edited by - janolov on 05/27/2017 02:32:54
From our friends as SAP.....The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
That reminds me about this old joke (which is not relevant when there are two sisters):
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
Sent to me by a retired nurse
------------------------------
"Simple. I poked holes in the condom before I gave it to him. I wonder how long it will take for the smell in his car to go away.""
-----------------------------------
For those of you unfamiliar with medical accessories, unlike other catheters, a "condom catheter" is worn ON, not inserted INTO, the p*n*s, and drains into a bag, usually strapped to the lower leg.
Here's a picture of the device, not ON anybody: http://search.aol.com/aol/image?s_it=sb-top&v_t=na&q=condom+catheter
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks!"
I said, "Don't mention it."
I hadn't heard THIS one before:
======================
A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for Sale.
============================
A ventriloquist doing a nightclub gig with his dummy on his knee tells a dumb robot joke; a beverage service robot stops and shouts at the ventriloquist.
“What gives you the right to stereotype artificial intelligence that way? You should be ashamed of yourself.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology.
“You keep out of this, buster!” it yells, “I'm talking to the little idiot on your knee.”
A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the tramp.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?”
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
I am here to install your own private Ol' Swimmin' Hole (TM), which will be individually crafted to use the PERFECT amount of your yard space!
Guaranteed to be the PERFECT size!"
Yes, you heard me right!
I fittee the pool!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
'But officer, 'the man began, 'I can explain.'
'Quiet!' snapped the officer.' I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.'
'But, officer, I just wanted to say, '
'And I said be quiet! you're going to jail!'
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. he'll be in a good mood when he gets back.'
'Don't count on it, 'answered the guy in the cell.' I'm the groom.'
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