The joke seems somehow familiar.

And a true story:
A nun at my high school had permission form the Boss Nun to wear eyebrow pencil.
As the chemistry teacher, she had burned her eyebrows OFF so many times, they refused to bother growing back.

And, yes, she always looked mildly surprised.

Drinking alcohol will not solve your problems, but neither will milk.

I saw this one on FaceBook today:

Communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them.

From our friends at SAP.......

One Sunday morning as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon, he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. 

"By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

Speaking of cursing:

Many years ago, when I was young and single, I got a call from one of the nuns at St. Joes'
She knew I had Fridays off, so would I be nice enough to come over to the school, dress up in the Santa suit, and pass out candy to the kids, the last day before Christmas?

Well, considering some of the stuff I had done, I figured it might be good to have that on my Permanent Record, so I said I would.

The morning came, and it was about 18 degF BELOW zero.
Lucky me, I was only 2 blocks from the school, so I just bundled UP and trundled OVER.

Got into the suit, stuffed a pillow in ( because back then, I NEEDED a pillow, to look chubby).
Put on the fake beard and the hat, put the sack over my shoulder, and hit the first grade classroom.
The kids were all lined up, littlest first.
I gave a bag to the first little angel, and she turned to go back to her seat.
The nun said "Now, now, Mary Alice, what are the MAGIC WORDS??"

Mary Alice paused for a second, and then let out a string of cussing that would have stunned the drill sgt from "FULL METAL JACKET"!

The nun's face went bone white, and the kid realized she must have said SOMETHING shocking.
But she quickly explained
"Those are the Magic Words that DADDY said, to make the CAR start!"

My friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep.

I said, "40!"

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a sheep sitting next to him. 
"Are you a sheep?" asked the man, surprised. 
"Yes." 
"What are you doing at the movies?" 
The sheep replied, "Well, I liked the book." 

quote:

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Originally posted by janolov on 5/3
 

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a sheep sitting next to him. 
"Are you a sheep?" asked the man, surprised. 
"Yes." 
"What are you doing at the movies?" 
The sheep replied, "Well, I liked the book." 

 

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And the previous version of the same joke, ONE PAGE earlier!     4/27/2017 10:56 AM

A man was sitting in a movie theater waiting for the film to start.  Someone sat down in the seat beside him, and he looked like a giant mosquito.  Startled, the man asked, "Excuse me, are you a giant mosquito?" "Yes, I am." The man thought for a moment.  "Well, I'm sorry if this is rude to ask, but why are you here at the movies?" The mosquito replied, "I liked the book."

True Story:

Don Shula (my dad's 2nd cousin, and famous football player and head coach of the Miami Dolphins) took his family out to see a movie one night.  When they walked in to the theater, the diminutive "crowd" of about 12 people applauded.  Mr Shula was impressed that these folks acknowledged him and told that to the usher who escorted him and his family to their seats.  The usher replied that the audience was told the movie wouldn't be shown unless three more people showed up.

Told my wife I'd set the alarm for six, she said "why there's only two of us"

From the Monty Python archives: A riddle in rhyme

What's BROWN

and SMELLS

And sounds like

BELLS????

DUNG!

A classical pun..... 

 A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

You lost a lot of blood during the gladitorial combat in the Arena, Centurion.

So the doctor ordered me to start a Four.

And then there was the Mafia hitman who delayed the assassination by one day....

....becsause he didn't feel up to snuff!

When I was born my dad looked down at me for the first time and said,”He’s sure got my smile.” 

The doctor said, “Oh he ain’t smile’n.  You just need to turn him over and flip’em around.”

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
"An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" 
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." 
"Really! Like a newborn baby?" 
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants" 

From our friends at SAP....

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Me: "Honesty." 

Interviewer : "I don't think honesty is a weakness." 

Me: "I don't give a damn what you think."

When I was a lad my dad said to me "son what ever you do don't go to soho, you'll see things there you shouldn't see", each year as I got older my dad would say the same thing "son what ever you do don't go to soho, you'll see things there you shouldn't see". Sure enough I hit 18 and the first thing I did was grab a train ticket for London, headed up to Soho and you know what I saw?

I saw my dad.

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?'

The doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'