quote:

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Originally posted by banyes
 

From our friends at SAP....

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. 

They reached the altar and the waiting groom. 

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. 

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. 

Even the priest smiled broadly.  

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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I wish... Lol!

1. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Apparently, someone gets stabbed in London every 52 seconds. Poor bastard!

4. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.

5. I took the shell off of my racing snail hoping to make it run faster. But it made it more sluggish.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith today.

Within 10 minutes of getting home he made a bolt for the door.

An Old Blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his Apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," He told the boy. "Just Do whatever I tell you to do."

One day, the Old Blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I Nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new Blacksmith....

In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer. One was as a butcher's assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat. 
One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, "God save me! It's the butcher!"
 

"What's your favorite pickup to put on a banjo?"  

"F-150"

 

There's this butcher and one day as he turned to go home a dog stopped him an d there was a note in his mouth. 
The note read "Can I have a steak and three sausage links please?" 
The butcher took the note and gathered the things. When he turned back around he was surprised to see a twenty dollar bill in the dog's mouth. The dog grabbed the meat in a bag and padded off. 
The astounded butcher closed up shop and followed the amazing dog. The pair soon came to a bus stop. The dog looked at the schedule and sat down on the bench. The first bus came and the dog got up and trotted over to the front of the bus, looked at the number and sat back down. 
Another bus came and again the dog looked at the bus number and saw it was the right one. 
He got on, the butcher closely following. The bus rumbled on and the dog jumped up walked to the front of the bus, leaped up and grabbed the leaver to stop the bus. As the dog got out with the butcher in tow he set down the meat at the beggining of a walkway and ran all the way up and banged his head against the door of a nice house. 
The dog did it again and hopped up on a fence to peer in the window. The canine knoked on the window with his head and jumped back to the end of the walkway, grabbed the meat and walked up to the door.
The door opened and a man walked out and started to yell at the dog. The butcher ran up to stop him. 
The butcher said" what are you doing? This dog is amazing," 
"What are you talking about, This is the second time he's forgot his key!" 

My ex-girlfriend said she had a  "certain ambivalence" about my attempts to maintain contact with her.

When I asked for an explanation, she said:

" IF you don't STOP trying to contact me, I am CERTAIN that you're going to end up riding in an AMBIVALENCE!"

...........................

As far as I know, this is an original joke, thunk up by me.  

.

52 degF today.


Reminds me of the story I tell, about getting the garage painted.

Back in 1971, when I lived on 21st & Vliet, I was driving east on Wisconsin Ave,( in Milwaukee, for those who don't know) and stopped for a red light at 25th & Wisconsin.
Warm spring day, lovely weather, windows down.

And this very nice looking young lady leaned quite an impressive amount of her upper body in through the passenger side window, and said she's do anything, for $50.

Opportunities like this are RARE for fellows such as I, so, INSTANTLY, I handed her a twenty and three tens, and said "Paint my garage !"
By then, the light was green, and the driver behind me hit his horn. So I took off around the corner, figuring I'd loop the block, and tell her what the address was, and what my choice of color was.

But by the time I got through the other lights and corners, she was gone.

Some people in the old neighborhood say, when the night is warm, and the skittering clouds hide the feeble moon, they can still see a fleeting shadow of a beautiful woman, with a gallon of Weatherbeater in each hand, wandering, wandering, wandering!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. 
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. 
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. 
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. 
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

People of that caliber are hard to find.

SEASONAL joke for Springtime:

Hey, ya furry PREEEEVERT!

Get that paintbrush away from my egg-hole!

https://youtu.be/_43f9RzAqMM  some musical Canadian humour.

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

“If you pay the ferryman before you get to the other side, don't be surprised if he Styx it to you.”