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Originally posted by dmiller
 

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Maybe an Arkansas fan(?)

From our friends at SAP.......A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

From our friends at SAP...... A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" 

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" 

Seen Jan 23, 2017, on  a rerun of a 1969 episode of "Rowan & Martin's LAUGH IN"

..................................

Ruth Buzzi

"A man came to the door and tried to sell me a vacuum cleaner.

I told him I had absolutely no use for a vacuum cleaner........................ so he sold me a dirty rug!"

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
"Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.
"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house…" said the lady.

From our friends at SAP.......

1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

3. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

4. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

5. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

6. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ... not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

7. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

8. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

9. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

10. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

11. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

12. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

13. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
 

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
 

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of ...."
 

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get nicked."

 Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.  
One guy said he was going to piss him off.  He walked over 
to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, I 
hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
  "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." 
  Puzzled the English man walked back to his buddies. 
  "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"  
  "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn."
  The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish 
man on the shoulder.
  "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" 
  "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." 
  Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his 
buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" 
  The third English man said, "No, no, no, I will really 
piss him off, you just watch."
  The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him
on the shoulder and aid, "I hear your St. Patrick was an 
English man!" 
  "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me." 

Jack was standing by a newly built and paved State road. Two guys came by in a DOT truck and stopped nearby. Both retrieved shovels from the back of the truck and as they started working, Jack observed their activity. The first man started digging a hole, about 2+ feet deep. Once  he finished, he moved about 20 feet up the road and started another hole. His coworker moved to the first hole and started filling it in. Jack observed their operations as this process continued for quite a distance up the road. One man dug, one man filled in. Repeat. Observing the futility of this, Jack's curiosity got the better of him so he had to ask why they were doing this. The reply was as follows. Listen, we are State workers, and it's our job to come behind a finished road project and do the landscaping. The first guy digs a hole. That's Joe's responsibility and work description. The second guy, Steve, loads the truck with trees. At every hole, it is his job description to place a tree in  the hole and stake it securely. The last guy, Bill, backfills and tamps the tree in place; it is his job description. Jack thinks about this for a while and then notes, But the second guy, Steve isn't here. There are no trees, and no one is placing or staking the trees. So finally, Bill speaks up to explain. Listen, Steve called in sick this morning. Just because he isn't here, doesn't mean that me and Joe can't work anyway, right?

...a former TN DOT worker. Enjoy.

By the way, I was the one who drew the plans for where to place the trees. I didn't miss work much tho.

Three men, including one who works for the state, were fishing on Lake George when they saw what looked like someone actually walking across the water.  It was the Lord himself, who walked across the water and stepped into the boat in which they were fishing.  

A Montreal Canadiens hockey fan is driving home from work when he passes the local priest. He stops and gives him a lift.

A block later they pass a man wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. The Montreal fan suddenly feels an uncontrollable urge to run him over with the car. He puts his foot down on the accelerator and tries to hit him. At the last minute the Maple Leafs fan jumps out of the way and the driver hears a thump which he figures must just be the curb.

The two men procede in silence until finally the Habs fan blurts out, “Look Father, I’m really sorry about that incident back there. I tried to run the Leafs fan over but I believe I missed him : can you forgive me father?“

The Priest replies “It’s okay son, no need to apologize; I got him with the car door.”

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New Jersey Devils fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Devils fans, too. Not really knowing what a Devils fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Devils fan."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why I'm proud to be a Philadelphia Flyers fan.", boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Flyers fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Flyers fans, and I'm a Flyers fan, too!"

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Devils fan." 

In honour of the recent announcement by Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne to reverse her position on Toronto toll roads....   The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

 

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"
The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered,
"We take the rocks out of our pockets."

Winter time - skiing time:

From our friends at SAP. A blonde wants to prove to people that she’s not just a dumb blonde.

So she asks her friend, "How could I show people I'm smart?"

Her friend says, "Well- you could start by learning all the provinces and their capitals."

The blonde spends the whole week learning them. It’s hard, but she knows it will be worth it when people see how smart she is.

The next week she’s at a party and a man asks a question. Full of confidence, the blonde says, "I know the answer!"

The man is sceptical, but she says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals."

He says, "Okay, what’s the capital of Saskatchewan?"

She smiles and says, "that's easy! S."

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a**holes.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"