Let us never forget the men who galloped across the Wild Western plains, carrying dirty postcards to the lonely frontiersmen.

Those few, those brave, the young men of the Porny Express!

A Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.

Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, he got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. He looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. He watched, paralyzed with terror, as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, he saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying. And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like the student, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing him sobbing at the bar, one said to the other . . . "Look Paddy, there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

I once worked for a really small company and the owner got a letter from the labor board. They asked "How many employees do you have, broken down by sex".  He answered "None that I know of.  Alcohol is the big problem here".

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

An avid line dancing couple go to the doctor for a check up because they are having trouble remembering anything but, all the latest line dances. The doctor finds them in excellent 
health (of course), but suggests that writing things down may help their memories off the dance floor. 

That night the husband gets up to go the kitchen and the wife asks for a dish of ice cream, suggesting that maybe he write it down. 
He says "I don't need to write it down" 
She says "Well I want Strawberries on it, so maybe you better write it down" 
"I don"t need to write it down" He says and walks off in a huff. 
Twenty minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs.
"I told you to write it down" she says, "You forgot my toast".

Then there's the guy who was dragged into court, being sued for "Breach of Promise".

He told the judge that he NEVER offered to marry the gal.

He claimed she was just a wee bit tipsy, and she only THOUGHT she heard him say "I'd like you to join me in Holy Matrimony", when what he REALLY said was:

"I'd like you to join me in wholly mattress moaning!"

Q:  If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

A:  Pilgrims.

A guy is sitting at the bar & he hears some ladies talking.

He thinks he recognizes their accents.

So he says " Hi are you ladies from Scotland?

They say " It's Wales you idiot!"

He says " I'm sorry, are you WHALES from Scotland?

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business," replied the boy. Furious, the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

I could just SCREAM!

The Readers Digest pays MONEY for jokes.
It annoys me no END that the editors are all so danged YOUNG that they haven't HEARD some of the Ancient Sayings.
The MAY 2017 issue has the one about a restaurant which promised a CASH PRIZE to anyone who could order an item that they couldn't bring out from their kitchen.

So the guy asks for Elephant ears on Rye.
He GETS the prize, because they're out of rye bread.

My dear old daddy told us kids that one, when I was in GRADE SCHOOL (some moment between 1951 and 1959).

Many years ago--about 1983, I think it was--our orchestra was doing an all-Beethoven program to open the season.  To promote it, we had T-shirts made, with a scowling visage of Beethoven on it.  

One evening, I stopped for gas at a you-fill-it place with a kiosk in the middle.  When I went up to pay, the girl behind the glass looked at my shirt and said, "Who is that?  Some rock group?"

I replied, "No, it's Beethoven, a very famous composer.  He was deaf."

She counted out my change and said, "Isn't it amazing what the handicapped can do?"

From our friends at SAP.    

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, 
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." 
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. 
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A startup doctor opens a clinic and puts up a sign saying he can cure anything for $20, and if he can't the patient will be refunded $100. 

(This was considered ENORMOUSLY funny back in 1957)

Him: "PETE and REPETE were out in a boat. PETE fell overboard. Who was left?"

Me: "Repete"

Him: "OkayI will!    PETE and REPETE were out in a boat. PETE fell overboard. Who was left?"

(Considered funny  by HIM!)

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

An understanding of baseball........

Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.

Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!

Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.

Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.

Fly ball: when the sun drops 
a boulder on your head.

Shortstop: a position that 
involves mostly ground balls 
and that you think maybe you can play.

Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.

Innings: the amount of time 
left before afternoon snack, 
divided by nine.

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Ruth.”

With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?”

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge roundhouse punch that broke his nose and sent him sprawling. Before he could get up off his knees, little James Madison appeared and using his walking stick clobbered him on his head. As he lay rolling in pain, out of another cloud rode Robert E. Lee on Traveler who drew his sword and gave him a vicious slash across his face after which Traveler stepped on his leg crushing it. Screaming in pain, the Daesh member hollered..."BUT WHERE ARE MY 72 VIRGINS?!?!" to which St. Peter calmly replied" Mohammed spelled it wrong. It was 72 VIRGINIANS."
_________________

From our friends at SAP........A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O’hare noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?” Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, “Love to fly and it shows?”
 
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, “Nope, not Delta.”
 
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?” She gave him the same confused look.
 
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Southwest slogan, “Low fares, nothing to hide?”
 
This time the woman savagely turned on him, “What the Hell do you want?”
 
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said … “Ahhh, definitely United Airlines!”

A man was sitting in a movie theater waiting for the film to start.  Someone sat down in the seat beside him, and he looked like a giant mosquito. 

Startled, the man asked, "Excuse me, are you a giant mosquito?"

"Yes, I am."

The man thought for a moment.  "Well, I'm sorry if this is rude to ask, but why are you here at the movies?"

The mosquito replied, "I liked the book."

"I liked the book" brings back unpleasant memories of "The Poseidon Adventure".
The book was a very good read.
The movie RIPPED the very POINT of the story clear off, and changed it to the exact opposite.

At the end of the movie, the few who made it, are told that they are the ONLY survivors.

At the end of the BOOK, they look toward the bow, where hundreds of people are being rescued.

The whole point of the story, where nearly half of the group who decide to travel through the ship end up DYING, is that by following a self-appointed charismatic leader, one may well end up dying for no particularly GOOD reason.

(I've been away for awhile, so I don't know if this one has been told already.)

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.