Before the weeding day the groom told the bride: "I want you to be the major of the household to be making the major decisions and I'll just make the general ones".
The bride, having heard that, happily kissed her husband-to-be.
Overheard their conversation, the groom's friend, pulled him aside and asked: "Are you crazy? How could she be making all the major decisions in the household!"
The Groom, smiling cautiously whispered to him. “She’s the Major but I'm the General. Get it?"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Talking about chess:
Hot, again today, so how hot is it.....
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'
hot water now comes out of both taps.
every time I think about ice, water pours out of my ears.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. the cows are giving evaporated milk.
you start buying stock in Gatorade.
the trees are whistling for the dogs.
you start putting ice cubes in your water bed.
you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
Satan decided to take the day off.
the four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
your dream house is any house in Alaska.
you can make instant sun tea.
your car overheats before you drive it.
hot water now comes out of both taps.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
just saw this!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
From our friends at SAP.......A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3:00 a.m.
The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."
The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"
"I don't know. Some dumb broad asking if the coast is clear."
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I'm always trying to be helpful. Why just yesterday I was taking money out of an ATM when a very senior woman came over and asked me to help her with her balance.........so I pushed her over......I do what I can.
A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi served as chaplains at the University of Minnesota in Duluth.
They met for coffee 2-3 times a week. One day one made the comment that it is easy to preach to people - but preaching to a bear would be the ultimate challenge. After much debate, they agreed to dare to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all got together at the local hospital to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, with one arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has bandages all over his body, goes first. "I went into the woods to find a bear. When I found him, I began to read from the catechism. But the bear was not interested in what I had to say and wanted nothing to do with me. He began to swat his giant arms at me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion".
Reverend Billy Bob goes next. He's in a wheel chair, has an IV drip in his arm, and both his legs are in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he shouts, "Well brothers, you know we don't sprinkle! I went out and found the bear. And then I began to read to it from God's HOLY WORD. But that bear would have none of it. So we began to wrestle - down one hill, up another, and then finally into a creek. There I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. He became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both look down at the Rabbi Ebraham in his hospital bed. He's in a complete body cast, is in traction, and has IV's running in and out of his entire body. He has barely survived his ordeal. Each one gently places a hand on each of his.
Slowly the Rabbi opens his eyes and says, "Looking back on it, the circumcision may have not been the best way to start."
"This is your pilot speaking....
Due to circumcisions beyond our control, there will be a slight delay in our takeoff time."
Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin, no tonic."
Had to look THAT one up, to see what I missed by not recognizing the name.
NOW it's funny.
Edited by - Omeboy on 06/18/2017 14:51:52
Specific question:
Are we officially allowed -by the Rules- to make jokes about Religions?
quote:
Originally posted by mike gregory
Specific question:
Are we officially allowed -by the Rules- to make jokes about Religions?
Well, I belong to one of the aforementioned religions, and I'm okay with it's being mentioned. I'll leave it to the members of the others to be offended or not, and let it be known.
In this case, I don't think the humour is harmful or degrading - but that's just my opinion.
Maybe we need to consider how the squirrels and bears feel about all this.
Edited by - Omeboy on 06/18/2017 16:03:50
The meeting of the Time Travelers Club for today has been rescheduled for last Thursday.
Just wondering if the good things that come to those who wait are the left overs of those who came before them?
Any of you hear about the deaf guy who ran around the world?
NEITHER DID HE
quote:
Originally posted by drew-gurbach
The meeting of the Time Travelers Club for today has been rescheduled for last Thursday.
(an add-on) For those of you who did not get the memo, you'll get it tomorrow.
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
From our friends at SAP.....A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
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