Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them, "I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?" 
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose." 
One of the hunters replies, "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out." 
The three of them argue for several minutes more. 
The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. 
One hunter looks at the other and says, "Where the heck are we?" 
The other looks around and replies, "About 200 yards further than we got last year!" 

WARNING!

This joke may imply that somebody, somewhere, had sexual intercourse at some time prior to the timeframe in  which the joke is set.

https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15977207_1190677157652519_3681123259743353467_n.jpg?oh=594ea14cb35596b9660c3de642face33&oe=5A269333

The joke is titled

"BAD NEWS FROM THE MAMMYGRAM CLINIC"

Click and enjoy, or, in the words of Ray Stevens:  "Don't  look, Ethel!! "

I got annoyed with a guy who butted in front of me in the express line at the grocery store. So I called him out on it. He got livid and started throwing stuff at me like milk, butter, cream... and I thought how dairy!

From our friends as SAP....... At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

Ah! Yes, be careful what you wish for....A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

this joke is only as dirty as the mind thats reading it...and theres no cuss words so hopefully it wont get deleted...

the rolling stones have a new song comin out..about a kinky scotchman that took his sinful pleasures in the sheep field...its called..."hey, mccloud, get offa my ewe"

Dirty enough for ME!
Thanks.

The world-famous concert violinist decided to go on a safari.

One evening, around the campfire in a clearing in the jungle  he got out his violin and performed for the guests and staff. As he played, everyone became entranced by the music. One by one, the various animals came to the edge of the cleairng, captivated by the magic of the violinist`s playing. They all sat there, mesmerized by the sound. Suddenly, a lion came leaping out of the jungle and pounced on the violinist, smashing t=his violin and devouring him in seconds.

From the ring of animals, the leopard demanded of the lion, "What did you do that for?"

The lion shouted back, "EH?"

then there was the guru guy with the toothache..it was so bad he had to have it pulled..the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine..nitrous oxide or a general anasthetic..he said none as he wanted to transcend dental medication

quote:

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Originally posted by pickin_fool
 

this joke is only as dirty as the mind thats reading it...and theres no cuss words so hopefully it wont get deleted...

the rolling stones have a new song comin out..about a kinky scotchman that took his sinful pleasures in the sheep field...its called..."hey, mccloud, get offa my ewe"

 

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"No Sheep Were Harmed During The Filming Of This Episode"

-Mick Jagger-

i think the poor sheep that gave mccloud that jacket might beg to differ..hehe

SOME sheep were harmed during the manufacturing of that jacket, but NONE were harmed, LATER, during the filming of that episode.
So I stand by Mr. Jagger's claim, about the making of that episode.

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

From our friends as SAP...
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere,"insisted Ted.

"Good. Then you fire her."

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

 Every once and a while a public service ad nails it...... I think this ones does.  https://youtu.be/dPJB4458fI8

I've wondered about this myself.     

Speaking of wives - - - - - > > >

 

From our friends at SAP some thoughts on growing old....1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing, they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

And they say men aren't sensitive....

The wife called home from the convenience store, and said, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Great! What should I pack? We going to the beach? To the mountains?"

She replies, "I don't care where you go, just pack your bags!"

A world-class violinist dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter tells him there's an orchestra, and if he wants to play, he'll need to audition. The violinist, being a virtuoso, expresses some displeasure at this, but he's told there are so many great players there, like Oistrakh, Heifitz, and even Paganini himself, that he finally agrees it makes sense. So to prepare himself, he goes to observe a rehearsal just to see how good they are, and to marvel at all the great musicians. Afterwards he sees St. Peter again, who asks him what he thought of the group. "They're incredible," the violinist says. "I've never seen or heard such talent! But I didn't recognize the old man with the white hair and beard who was conducting. Frankly, he wasn't very good. Who was he?" St. Peter replies, "oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Von Karajan."

So  this dumb blonde is filling out a job application. 

She has it nearly filled out when she sees a  line at the bottom that says:

"Sign Here." 

She has to think for a second and then she writes:

 . . . . "CAPRICORN"

They LIED to MILLIONS of children!

Captain Kangaroo was never EITHER an officer, nor a marsupial!