A little silver-haired lady called her neighbor and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's big tiger's face."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread literally all over the table and on to the floor.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the picture on the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a big happy tiger."

He takes her hand and says,
"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." (he said with a sigh)....... "We'll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Two old pirates met on the street in New Orleans and one says to the other,

"Look at you, Bucko!!!!  Last time I saw you, you were all OK. Now You got a hook for a hand, a patch over your eye and a wooden leg."

Well, says pirate number two, "Aaargh, (all pirates say aargh), I was gittin off a boat and an alligator bit off me leg. Was in a sword fight and lost me hand."

"Well, what about your eye?"

"Oh that. Well, I'm walkin down the street and a pigeon pooped right in me eye."

"And that took out your eye?"

"No, dammit! That was the first day I had me hook!"

Two really dumb guys were walk'en down the street together.

Suddenly, one of them yells, "Oh damn!!! A bird just pooped in my eye!!!"

The other dumb guy says, ""Wait right here and I'll run and get some toilet paper!!"

The first dumber guys says, "Ahhhhhhh nevermind. By the time you get back, he will have flown away."

The Maine potato and the Idaho potato fell in love and got married. 

They had a baby and named her Sweet potato.

She grew up and went on to college.  She came home on spring break and told her parents she was in love and engaged to be married.

Her parents were very happy for her, and asked "Who's the lucky man"?

She said - - -  "Walter Cronkite".

Her parents said  - - "Oh honey, you CAN'T marry him.  He's just a commentator!"  

a couple that had been married for 60 plus years were having breakfast one day,,she looks at him ands says..."honey, I still get a warm feeling in my chest when I look at you:...he looks at her and says..."that's cuz one of your tits is hangin in your oatmeal and the other one is in your coffee cup"

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.” 

I hate having a song stuck in my head. Right now it is John Cage's 4'33".

A Priest, a Rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar and the Priest and Rabbi immediately fall to the ground and start to pray. The atheist grabs his head in pain and yells "Oh my god, who put that bar there?"

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"

The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"

"I realise that my request is rather bold," replies the atheist "but would it be possible for you to make this bear a Christian?"

"Of course it is!" replies God.

The bear closes its eyes and clasps its paws in prayer and says "Thank you Father for this meal I am about to receive..." 

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
She wasn't going to let Agyrophobia control her life any more.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon from New York says, "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed, "All that’s fine, but you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus the butt and head are completely interchangeable.

3 wealthy Texans were at lunch together, and one of them began to brag to the other two about how much land he owned.

The 1st rich Texan said: "I own 50,000 acres.  That's 78 square miles of land!"
The 2nd rich Texan replied;  "I own 100,000 acres.  That's 156 square miles of land!"

The two of them looked at the 3rd rich Texan waiting to hear what he owned.
He took a swallow of beer, and said:  "Boys - - I guess you got me beat.
I only own 4,500 acres.  That's just 7 square miles."

The other two looked sympathetic and said:  "That's too bad.  Where is your land?"
The 3rd Texan looked at the other two and with a smile he said: "Downtown Dallas".
 

One day, a financially successful enough father decides to take his son to the countryside to show him how poor some people may happen to be in contrast to them, who live in a nice house in the suburbs of a big city. Like this, his son could understand the value of things, and how lucky he is.

So they went to the countryside and spent one day and one night in a simple countryside home. On the road back home, the father asked his son:

"So, what did you think of this little trip?"

"It was great, Dad!"

"Did you see how poor some people are?"

"Yes."

"And so what did you see during the trip?"

"I saw that we have one dog, they have four. We have a pool at home, they live by a beautiful lake. The street lamps give us light in our garden, whereas they get the light of a million stars. Our backyard's end is at the fence, theirs as far as the eye can see. And finally, I saw they had the time to talk to each other and live like a happy family. You and Mum, however, work all day and I barely see you."

The father just keeps driving without a word, and the kid adds:

"Thanks, Dad, for showing me how rich we could be..."

I got me a new car.

Chicks dig it!

A young man went to a Hallowe'en party with nothing but a young woman on his back.

The host asked him, "What are you supposed to be?"

The young man answered, "A snail."

The host replied, "But you have a woman on your back."

The young man said, "That's not a woman, that's Michelle!"

From our friends at SAP

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty waitress as she passes by his table.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She threw a drink in his face.

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa ...
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that's the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it . . . .
Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years and years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake."

Why do old time players have a scoop on their banjos?
So they don't have to change the Kitty Litter so often.

A man and a woman get married and are on there honeymoon.

The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off your robe were married now. The woman says ok and takes off her robe. Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the man says "So I can carry you with me."

A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe. The woman says take off your robe were married now. The man says ok and takes off his robe. The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man askes why and the woman says "So I can have it enlarged!" 

 

From a Facebook link... and read fast... it involves religion:

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for 1500 or we can have her shipped back home for 50000.”

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend 50000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost 1500?”

The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. 
 

The phone rings and an employee indignantly answers it.

Employee:  What kind of idiot is calling during my lunch break?

Caller:  Do you know who you're talking to?!?  ...This is your boss!!

Employee: Well, do you know who you're talking to??

Caller: No!

Employee:  Good! ... bye-bye, now.

From my sister in Oklahoma.

Should be on the [FF] Food Forum

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Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of thecake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.  After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,"Thank you, I baked it myself." 

======================================================

On my PC, Mike's joke above has a scroll bar that means I have to go all the way to the end to read it.

In case others have to do the same:

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of thecake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.  After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,"Thank you, I baked it myself."

quote:

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Originally posted by mike gregory

I got me a new car.

Chicks dig it!

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Eggxactly how fast does it go Mike, or are you just yolking.  What fuel do you use....Shell.