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Originally posted by Chris Meakin

On my PC, Mike's joke above has a scroll bar that means I have to go all the way to the end to read it.

In case others have to do the same:

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Thank you for fixing that.

From our friends at SAP, and what I think is the quintessential example of Canadian humour..

Justin Trudeau walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head.

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"

"My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays.", said Justin.

The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."

To which Justin hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

What do you call a banjo player in a suit?..........
...the accused.

Nervous prospective juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from the jury because my wife is about to become pregnant. 
Counsel: Your Honour, he does not mean his wife is about to become pregnant; he means that she is about to deliver. 
His Honour: He is excused. In either event, he should be present.

Here's one of those lifeboat scenarios.

It's spring in Manitoba and the Red River is in full flood mode. You are a photographer looking for a good flood photo. You come across Stephen Harper in the water. He's fallen into the rushing river and he's hanging on by the branch of a tiny shrub. If you don't hurry and pull him out, he will certainly be swept to an icy, watery death. If you stop and take the photo, he will die, but the shot will be on the front pages of newspapers all over the world and you will become famous and rich. It's certainly a dilemma. So your problem is ... what shutter speed do you use?

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

"Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner answered, "No."

"Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the attorney.

Again the coroner replied, "No."

"Ah," the attorney said, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back "Counselor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A blonde goes to her doc about her problem with excess weight.  The doc decides a diet would be in her best interest.   "On days 1 and 2 eat as much vegetables and grains as you want, then skip day 3.  Repeat this over and over, and I guarantee by your next visit in 2 weeks you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

As instructed she goes in for the 2-week check-up. The doc is astounded to find she's lost 20 pounds, and asks: "Did you follow your diet?"

Blonde: "Yes I did, but I thought I wasn't going to make it through day 3."

Doc: "You mean from the hunger?"

Blonde: "No - from the skipping."

Dr. Irwin Corey...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A doctor recently had an elderly patient drop in for an unscheduled consultation.

“What can I do for you today?” the Doctor asked.

The old 80 year old gentleman replied: “Doc, I'm scared. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my arms go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.  Please help me.”

The doctor, looking at the elderly man, said: “Mr. Atkins, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?”

The old gentleman replied: “Well… three times last night, and twice again this morning!”

In the final analysis, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

John is dying.  However, he can smell his favorite chocolate nut brownies cooking downstairs.  John summons all the strength that he has left, he flops out of bed and crawls downstairs.  He sees the brownies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.  As John reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled old hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

'No John, you can't have those!  They're for the funeral!'

youtu.be/hKs-2dRVqak

Have you heard that old Jack has finally found the peace, he has deserved for so long.
So he has passes away? No he`s fine. It´s his wife.

The judge: Confess Jack Longfinger. Five witnesses have seen you commit the robbery. Jack: Doesn´t proove anything judge. I can come up with ten witnesses, who have NOT seen it.

A skeleton walks up to tht bar and says: Hey bartender. Can I have a beer and a floor cloth

A story epspecially for wood workers:
An old carpenter and his frind took a walk in the nearby wood. Suddenly the carpenter stops and looks up a tall beach tree. High above reach there is carved a big heart with an arrow and the carpenters initials and some womans too. Despite the years it is obvious that it was quite a piece of art, when made.
The carpenter starts to get tears in his eyes, and his friend moves a little away to let him have a little time alone with his memories.
After a little while, the the friend goes up to the carpenter and says : I can se that you are really moved by seeing this again. Yes, you are right, the carpenter says, and let me tell you this: NEVER NEVER NEVER in my life shall I EVER have such a wonderful knife again. Steen

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a s*** house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job. 
 

Mick and Paddy are trying to decide where they should go drinking.  

Paddy: "I knows a place over on t'east side where the guys are as friendly as you please, they're after buyin' ya drinks right off, and ya can get laid right quick, like nobody's business."

Mick suspects Paddy is stretching things a bit and asks: "I find that hard ta believe, Paddy... you ever actually been ta this place?"

Paddy: "No, but me sister 'as, an' she swears  it's not a word of a lie."

An elderly widow goes to the gynecologist and the Dr. says......what seems to be the problem? The widow says, I don’t know what’s happening, but I keep finding postage stamps from Argentina in my special place down there.
The Doctor says, we’ll, let’s have a look!!!
Upon examination , the doctor says ........I think your gonna be OK.
Widow asks...... but what about those postage stamps???
Doctors says...........those aren’t postage stamps from Argentina.......those are the stickers from your bananas!!

John is a lumberjack, and is a friend of Hank who has a hardware store. One day John is in Hank's store and he asks, "What the heck are these chain saws I keep hearing about?"  Hank said "What?  You're a lumberjack, and you never used a chain saw?" John - "Nope.  Never have." Hank said - "Well, here, take this one out in the woods with you tomorrow.  I  guarantee you will cut three times the amount of wood you usually do."

Well, at the end of the next day John comes back into into Hank's store with the saw. He threw it down on the counter and said: "This here chain saw's worthless!  I cut and I cut and I cut, and I only got one third the amount of wood I usually do!"  Hank said: "There must be something wrong with it. Here let me see it"

Hank grabs the chain saw and it starts right up. "GZZZZZZ GZZZZZZ GZZZZZZ!"

John jumps up startled and yells, "What's that noise?!?! What's that noise!?!?"  

Say Bill, who on earth has given you that big black eye? You see, I was in church last sunday, and right in front of me sat this beautiful young woman with a VERY tight dress on. The dress has a zipper in the middle the whole way down and suddenly during the sermon the zipper started to crawl down - longer and longer down. She had nothing underneath but didn´t seem to notice, but I found it somewhat distracting, so I made a quick dicision to help her and quickly pulled the zipper up, and then she turned around and punched me in the eye.
A week later: How om earth did you get one more black eye Bill?. Well you see, I was in church again last sunday, and it just so happened that I sat right behind the same lady as last sunday, and suddenly during the sermon the same dammed zipper started to move again. Longer and longer down - actualle longer than last week. But hadn´t you learned to mind your own business, Bill? Yes I had, but eventually it became too much for the fellow next to me, so he leaned forward and pulled the zipper up. Oh no, and then she thought it was you again. No, but I knew from last sunday, that having her zipper pulled up was the last thing, she wanted, so I quickkly pulled it down again, and then -------

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Patient / doctor consultation...

Doc:  what's the problem?

Patient: I have a fever.

Doc: Go home; take a cold shower and then sit without clothes on in front of a fan for the rest of the day                  Come back and see me tomorrow.

Patient: That'll make me better?

Doc: No, you'll get pneumonia.

Patient:  What the....?!?!

Doc: Don't worry... pneumonia is my specialty.

Remember the big fuss when Ed Sullivan "surrendered" to Britain's FAB FIVE??

He had forgotten to provide a microphone for one of the Beatles.

The kid threatened Sullivan, who mocked him by raising his hands and laughing "I surrender!"

The other four  Beatles thought it was funny, but the Fifth got mad, quit the band, and threatened to become a nuclear-capable dictator.