I recently went to the Chicago Art Institute. It was incredible, one room full of Picasso's, another taken up with Seurat's "Saturday At The Park", they even have "American Gothic". But I had to ask one of the curator's where where they kept their Manet's. He told me, "In the cafeteria."

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https://www.banjohangout.org/forum/attachment_manager/a_mngr_added.asp?addType=1&fileID=242600

"Further south,  we build NESTS. In ALASKA, we build EAGLOOS!"

There was a duck who walked into a store and said, “got any candy?”

The storekeeper said, “no, we don’t.”

The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same anwer.

The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!”

The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “got a hammer?”

The store keeper says, “no.”

Then the duck asks, “got any candy?”

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up.

"What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly.

"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" 

 

If a person in incarcerated in a multi-faceted glass building, would they be considered a prismer?

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”

The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was well over the limit, I did something I've never done before.  I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and I'm not sure where I got it.       

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" 

 

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real b**** this time." 

 

I said to my wife  - - "Would you like to go on a vacation"?

She said  - - "No. I think our marriage is a vacation".

Well -- she didn't exactly say it that way.  What she did say was:
"When I married you, you were my last resort".  

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear." 

 

janolov,

I have heard two variations on your 'duck & hammer' joke. One features a rabbit and carrot cake. The other runs as follows.

A rabbit enters a bar and asks the bar owner: "Do you have pot (hash)?" The bar owner says no, and the rabbit leaves. But next day the same rabbit returns, asking the same question, and leaving again as before. This  pattern is then repeated for a long, long while. So the bar owner, now totally fed up with the situation, after several more weeks of this, decides to reply affirmatively, next time he sees the rabbit coming. Just to get rid of this nuisance. So the rabbit, showing up once again, asks: "Do you have pot?" But the bar owner says yes now. Whereupon the rabbit yells: "Police! You're nicked!", whipping out his warrant card and a pair of handcuffs.

Veerstryngh Thynner

To Mike Gregory:

In one of the previous pages you are referring to British one-liner specialist Milton Jones. I consider him one of those rare comedians being hilarious even without saying a word.

There's quite a lot of him on YouTube, so if you'd like to spend a few entertaining hours....

Veerstryngh Thynner

Hours have been spent.
Wish I was that good at being funny.

Here's a quick link.

21 minutes of some of his best: https://youtu.be/2PApUB8j82U

LAST Thanksgiving, I was invited to dinner with my newest In-Laws.

The bride's mother was the hostess, and the food was excellent.

When she was serving dessert, she asked me how big a slice of pie I wanted.

I replied

"Oh, my! Just a NARROW slice, please."

She smiled and said "Oh, no need to be polite!"

So I said "Just a narrow slice, you stupid cow!"

A man is driving along when his car breaks down. he calls for help on his mobile phone then looks over the engine while waiting for the mechanic to arrive. Suddenly he hears clip clop and a large carthorse trots by, glances at the engine, says loudly 'check the carb' and goes on. The mechanic turns up and the motorist says 'would believe it? a horse just told me to check the carb!' 'Oh him' says the mechanic ' don't pay him no mind!! he don't know the first thing about engines!'

Man who have no socks still envied by man who has no feet!

A joke that Figmo sent me;

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Sicily."

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks.

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.