Couple more.

I knew a guy that even after he went totally bald he still carried his old comb in his back pocket. He just couldn't part with it.

Dad invited the Clam Cop in for lunch one summer day as Officer Paul Kvorjack was walking by the house,in uniform.
"I'd love to...that lobster stew smells good" said Paul.
He came in and the three of us each had two bowlfuls.
After a piece of apple pie for dessert Paul pushed himself away from the table and complimented Dad on a fine lunch.
Dad responded,"Every lobster in that stew was a "short" to which Officer Kvorjack replied "Chester,you son of a b***h

Why hasn't the Germany been able to participate in international war games since 1933?
The rules clearly state: Three Reichs and you're out.

I've got a friend who went bald many years ago,
but he still carries his old comb with him everyday
He just can't part with it.

I was telling my friend that I wasn't having much luck in the girlfriend department.

He said I should try online dating then I can meet someone just like me.

I said I didn't want to date a fat, bald man.

I dated a Buddhist for a change of pace. After all, you only live once.

Q: How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

A: Tell him Obama put it in.

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems: "Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

Read the whole sign.

.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.

The car almost careened out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goalsand by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

"Don't be alarmed, dear. In Emerald City,  all the guys have a bright green one!"

-Glinda the Good-

Neck tie, obviously!

dogs can't use MRI scanners, but cat's can

Today's performance of Hamilton was canceled in
Chicago due to the Polar Blast.

Once again Brrrrr kills Hamilton

Nurse came in and said, "Doc, there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him ?". The Doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him today".

Man goes in to a Doctor.
'Doctor - can't remember a damn thing I say from one minute to the next,' he says.
'Well just sit down here and let's talk about your problem,' says the Doctor.
'What problem?' says the man.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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