A game warden came upon an old man by the riverbank with a bucket full of fish (way more than the legal limit allowed, and out of season as well). The game warden said: "Sorry Old Timer - - I'm going to have to fine you big time for having all these fish illegally." 

The old man replied and said: "You don't understand officer. These fish are my pets, and I bring them here to the river often for exercise. Kind of like walking the dog. I put them in the river, let them swim around for a half an hour or so, and then when I whistle for them they all come back and we go home."

The game warden said "This I gotta see".

So the old man dumped the fish in the river, and he and the game warden shot the breeze for the next half an hour or so. The game warden said: "Well - - it's been over half an hour. When are you calling your fish back"? 

The old man said: "What fish"??    

Speaking of Game Warden, A fella went out fishing in his boat. Now he had a rather unusual method of fishing. He did not take a fishing rod or bait.  He went out in his boat with a net and a bucket full of dynamite. Once he found the location he wanted to fish, he dropped anchor and began to "fish". The old codger would light a stick of dynamite, toss it overboard and after the underwater explosion, he would net whatever floated to the surface. Hearing the explosions from some distance away, a game warden decided to do some investigating. He came upon the old man taking a rest, and inquired about his nice, large catch. The old guy demonstrated his method much to the dismay and ire of the game warden. The warden responded, "you can't do this, it is highly illegal!" The old man stood up, lit a stick of dynamite and handed it to the game warden. At that point, not knowing what to do, the game warden tossed the stick of dynamite and it exploded underwater. Fish floated to the surface. The game warden, rather heated now, asked the old man, "what the heck do you think you are doing?" "Fishing" The old man replied. "Just like you... Grab that net. Are you going to stand there, argue and get mad? Or are you gonna fish..."

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there." He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there." He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there." He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager." 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

34 pagers, this one MIGHT have already been posted.
But, my sister sent it recently, and I don't REMEMBER hearing it before, so, here shoe goes:

---------------------------
The six year old and his five year old brother are playing in the park, watched  from a distance by their big sister, and they decide they're going to try use some of the swears they heard the other kids use.
Six year old is going to say "D@MN" and he 5-yr old is going to say "@SS"
So, they head home.
Mom asks what  they'd like for a snack.

The 7-yr-old says

"I'd like a d@mn oatmeal cookie!"

Mom slaps at him on the butt, says that he's to go to his room and NO SNACK!

Then she asks the 5-yr-old what he wans.

His reply- - -

"Bet your @ss I'm not asking for any cookie!"

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan" 
Passenger: "Who?" 
Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time." 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right." 
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson." 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm going to marry his widow next week." 

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. 
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" 
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" 
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" 
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. 
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" 
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" 

Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports

"All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity."

A young man goes into a greeting card shop. After browsing for a while, the salesperson comes up and asks, "May I help  you young man?" He replies, "Sure, I am looking for the perfect card with kind, thoughtful, emotion filled feelings for that special lady." After looking around for a while, the clerk finally recommends the perfect card. The clerk shows the young man the card, and tells him, " This is it, It reads; You are the perfect one and only love for me. Our worlds and souls have intertwined. We are soul mates now linked together for all eternity". Just you and I." The young man thinks about it for a few seconds, then replies to the clerk, "You are right, that's absolutely perfect. I'll take seven."

A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady.

She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said, 'Don't you know how to ride a bike?'

'Yes,' he answered, 'but I don't know how to ring the bell yet' 

Hey, is it true that in the state on Mississippi you can put a banjo capo in your window and park in handicap parking?

Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six months to live, a man exclaimed, "But doctor, is there anything I can do?" 
"I'm afraid not." said the doctor. "But, there is one thing you could try..." 
"What, what, I'll try anything..." 
"Find yourself a homely girl that plays the banjo and move to Pittsburgh." 
"Will that help me live longer?" 
"No, but it will make time go by really slowly..." 

But, Janolov, once a gal picks up a banjo, she instantly becomes MORE interesting.

As an example, the pictures of our own BHO member, Angel Lynnie Baker, AND the clone of Ms. Baker, each with hand-crafted with Squared Eel banjos.

Somehow this found it's way into my email: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

​edited: Ooops...couldn't get the link I wanted.    

Our friends at SAP strike again.....We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system all shut down.

Then I discovered that my cell phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.  

Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." 

They were seated immediately.

quote:

---

Originally posted by banyes
 

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.  

Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." 

They were seated immediately.

---

Makes me wonder ....  Did they have to PRE-PAY ?

In honour of St. Paddy's Day......

1. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man." 
   
   'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
2. 'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs. 
   
   He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'
   
   O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.' 
3. Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
4. Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. 
   
   The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'.  Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk. 
   
   After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' 
5. 'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 
   'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply. 
6. Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.' 
   
   Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
7. Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television replay. 
8. Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
   
   'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
9. O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. 
   After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 
   'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?' 
10. 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
11.  

My favorite Paddy joke:

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you..' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners

'Is everyone in the bus?' asked the driver before he closed the door. 

'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I get my clothes on.' 

All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.

From our friends at SAP....

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. 

They reached the altar and the waiting groom. 

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. 

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. 

Even the priest smiled broadly.  

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.