One winter morning while listening to the radio, Harrys and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Harrys’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Harrys’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Harrys’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Harrys says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

From our friends at SAP...........
• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

• I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust." 

HEY! You!!

The Swede with the BANJO!

This is my NATURAL hair color!

So THERE!!

-Rusty Yamaguchi-

Little Billy is eating breakfast one morning and gets to thinking about things.

“Mommy, mommy, why does Bald Bill have so few hairs on his head?” he asks his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replies his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick answer to Little Billy’s question.

Or she is until Billy thinks for a second and asks, “So why do you have so much hair?”

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.

If he is bald at the back, he is good looking.

Bald Bill is bald from front to back – he thinks he is good looking.

After a hard day, I like to sip a little beverage, put some Bluegrass on the earphones, and ...

Light up a camel!

I think i'm gettin ah little too..literal in me old age....

Bought ah new stick deoderant..

The instruction read...

Push up bottom to apply...

Now...

I walk funny..n the room smells good ..

When i fart.... :0/

A blonde police officer pulled over another blonde. The officer asked for her license. The blonde driver carefully reached into her purse, dug around and then pulled out a mirror, thinking that it was a license. She handed it to the officer, who carefully examined it. The officer held the mirror, gazed at it and then looked up at the driver with a smile. She said, "You didn't tell me that you were an officer. You're free to go".

From our friends at SAP.        The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
 

(Edit for spelchek)

Back around 1959, I received this album as a gift from my parents.

They somehow KNEW that I would grow up a parody writer!

On one cut, Jethro is doing a beautiful mandolin rendition of "Fascination"

No vocals, even though these guys were FAMOUS for their parodies of popular songs.

And at the VERY end, one of them sings

=============================

"She had NINE buttons on her nightgown,

But she could ONLY

Faaasten..........Eight!

==============================

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was
getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box
downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who
said, "
My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

I been wonderin....

What did folks do fer entertainment ..before the Internet..

I could not come up with an answer...

So i asked me 17 brothrs ..n..sisters...

Thay didn't...know either..... 😐

"Pardon my inquisitiveness, Mr. Springsteen, but....

Just exactly HOW do you propose to

'.... ride through mansions of glory.."

on my machine?

-Jack Kavorkian, MD-

Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

From our friends at SAP.          A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would you know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on.”  

In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies: "He will get used to it!" 

For those who like puns......A horse is a very stable animal.
If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
There were three horses on a ship including a sick bay.
After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.
One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember the mane.
Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.
A zoo had a camel with no humps named 'Humphrey.'
He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.
Male deer have buck teeth.
The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
When a cow gives birth she not only gives cream, she is de-calf-inated.

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”

The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse. “I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

A man has a racehorse, never won a race. Man in disgust says,” Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning.” 

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."