quote:

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Originally posted by mike gregory
 

DEFINITION

(Thought up by my sister Bridget, in Oklahoma)

DIPTHONG  ( n ) Underwear worn by a nerd.

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Linguists often refer to these as gliding vowels....... then again maybe not😇😇

The soldiers of an infantry unit had been in the field for two weeks when the Sergeant announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we’re going to change our underwear.”
The troops start cheering wildly.
“Now the bad news,” continues the Sarge. “Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

From an interview that Thelonious Monk did with a reporter:

Reporter: "What do you think of country music?"

Monk: [silence]

Reporter: "I said what do you think of country music?"

Monk, looking over at a friend nearby: "Is he deaf?"

Every country has music.
So, every song is a country song.

(Based on a statement made by a character in a book titled "The Boy Who Invented the Bubble Gun".)

So THERE, Thelonious!

Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot.
 One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds of music.

 Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died.
 The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' fifty times in a row."
 The other music lover says, "Please, shoot me first.

A lady went to her priest one day and told him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’

‘What's that?’ the priest inquired.
They say, ‘hi, we're hookers!’ ‘Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That's obscene!’ The priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis, and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.’
‘Thank you’, the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
‘Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence...

Then one male parrot looked over at his buddy and exclaimed, ‘put the beads away Frank.’

‘Our prayers have been answered!!’

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A strong currant pulled him in.

This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh s*** I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, " Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?" 

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't Need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life Out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the Beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me ..." replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the Likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no ..." interrupts God,


"... Get your own dirt."

There's only one candy with the hole in the middle...
As a fun and creative exercise an elementary school teacher gives her students life saver candies, and asks them to identify the flavors. The students quickly produce a list:

red = cherry
orange = orange
yellow = lemon
green = lime

To make things more challenging she gives them honey-flavored lifesavers. After several minutes of discussion, the students are baffled, so she gives them a hint "it's something your mother sometimes call your daddy."

Immediately, one little girl gags and spits out her candy, exclaiming "Oh my god, they're 'a*****e"' flavored!"

My experience on the HangOut is that some people are HIGHLY offended by what some of us perceive as lighthearted humor, but they perceive as attacks on their most serious core beliefs and sacred rituals.

I would therefore advise refraining from posting jokes about ANY Gods or Goddesses.
Unless, of course, the mods agree that we can all make jokes about ANY and ALL Gods and Goddesses, and ANY and ALL religious rites and beliefs.

Mike, that is a valid point. If the joke is past the boundary then by all means it should be pulled.....I will ensure that any future jokes won't offend someone's beliefs.  Thanx. Rp

Does that mean that we should avoid also banjo jokes?

A young farm kid wrote home after joining the marines with this hilarious letter. A version of this has been floating around the web for a while, but a reader recently submitted this slightly altered version, and it’s a great read. Check it out below.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

I remember when the U.S. military went from draftees, to an ALL-Volunteer enrollment.
And many military vets mentioned that one of the FIRST lessons they learned in the military was

"NEVER volunteer!"

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51".

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. 
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. 
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. 
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... 
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. 

Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. 

They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" 

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

Courtesy of our friends from SAP

I asked my son, " will you marry the girl I choose?” He said, "no."

I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."

He said, "yes."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son,” Bill Gates said, “no".

I told bill gates, "My son is the CEO of the world bank."

Bill Gates said, “OK".

I called the president of world bank and asked him to make my son the CEO, he said, “no".

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law”, he said, “OK". And this is how politics works!

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep s-h-i-t. 

Here's a good one now that hockey season is upon us. 

Q: what does a Leaf fan do after they win the Stanley Cup?
A: they turn off their Playstation

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.



1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A little girl asked her mom, “Mom may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she’s in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on a leash and only go around the block once.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”