A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" 

This morning I waded across a raging river,

escaped from a bear in the woods,

marched up and down a mountain,

stood in a patch of poison ivy,

crawled out of quicksand,

and climbed up an enormous tree!

My friend said, boy you must be quite the outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

Mason watched as a woman at the shopping mall shopped with a four-year-old girl.  As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, 'No'. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss.  The mother said softly, 'Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset.........we'll soon be out of here.' 

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly.  When told she couldn't have one she began to cry.  The mother said gently, 'There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out' .

When they got to the conveyer belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout.  Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets.  The mother, calmed her saying, 'Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.' 

Mason followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management. 

'I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,' Mason said. 

The mother turned and replied, 'Oh, no, I'm Cindy. My little girl's name is Dorothy.

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

A man and a woman are having a date. 

The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”

The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”

“Twice.”

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Lester: "What kind of animal  do you get if you mix the DNA of a BUMBLEBEE with that of an OTTER?"

Earl: "I  don't know for SURE, but it otter-bee interesting!"

An unemployed biologist from Roche pharmaceuticals was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.

The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.

The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Howard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!" 

I got in touch with my inner self this morning. That's the last time I will use that cheap toilet paper.

Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic? 

Because they count the number of chopping days until Thanksgiving.

Were any of THESE guys ^  ....................................................   ever        in in THIS  ^ band?

If SO, the name makes perfect sense.

25/11/16 03:02
The Texas Visit. A Canadian was visiting Texas and started a conversation with a Texan at a local bar.

The Texan asked the Canadian where he's from and he says, "You know where San Francisco is?”

The Texan says, "Yeah, yeah, I know where San Francisco is.”

The Canadian says, "Well, you just drive north of there about six hours, turn right for thirteen hours and north again for six and you're there in Edmonton.”

The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!”

The Canadian thinks about this and then says, "I think you might be right. I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!

In honour of the 104th Grey Cup tomorrow...  Did you hear about the new Ottawa RebBlack bra..... apparently it has lots of support but no Cup!

Broccoli " say, I look like a tree".    Mushroom, "say I look like an umbrella".  Walnut, "say I look like a brain".  Banana, " can we please change the subject!"

I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?"

The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.

When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"

They hire the accountant. 

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..." 

 

Grammar: The difference between knowing your s**t and knowing you're s**t.      The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A teacher writes on a chalkboard the sentence: "A woman without her man is nothing"

The teacher then asks the boys to punctuate it properly, and they all write: "A woman, without her man, is nothing"

The teacher asks the girls to punctuate it and they write: "A woman: without her, man is nothing"