What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.

A Canadian went into a Tim  Horton’s and noticed there was a “Roll Up The Rim To Win” Contest. So, he rolled up the rim of his coffee and started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The girl at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
The person shouted, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” He handed the Cup to the girl who read:
“W I N A B A G E L”

A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell out! 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, 
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir;  I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!"  the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?"

From our friends at SAP.....An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. 

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “Were outta here!”
 

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Not sure which is the bad thing, a little knowledge or a lot of knowledge.......

The American businessman was at the pier of a small South Pacific Island village when a small proa with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small proa was a dorrado several large grouper. The American complimented the Islander on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Islander replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Islander said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a late afternoon nap with my wife, Helia, stroll into the village each evening where I sip rum and play guitar with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small fishing village and move to Australia, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The South Seas fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, really? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a late afternoon nap with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings here you could sip rum and play your guitar with your friends."
_________________

Preserve thyself. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #1
It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #2
A penny saved is an oversight. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #3
Information deteriorates upward. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #4
The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #5
Experience is what you get just after you need it. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #6
For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #7
Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #8
To err is human; to shrug is civil service. 

Rules of Bureaucracy: #9
There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.

What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?  Polaroids.       What is an ig?  A snow house without a loo!   If you live in an igloo made of snow what's the worst thing about global warming?  No privacy!

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" 

An old couple purchased an old home in Northern New York State from the man's two elderly sisters. 
Winter was fast approaching and the wife was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. 
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" the husband confidently declared. 
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and the wife and husband woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. 
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter." 

I'm a perfectionist with a procrastination complex... some day, I'm going to be awesome!

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

She showed up at the Hallowe'en party in  a dress that represented a map of Italy.

She must have heard me wrong, because she slapped my face

when I asked her to show me her Naples.

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has scammed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. 
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. 
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about. " The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" 
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

Well, it finally came......the dreaded S word. Sooooooooooooo

Puns about winter are snow joke.

What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T. 

What do bad Eskimos get in their stockings for Xmas? A lump of cold. 

They top the charts every January – the Black-Ice Peas.

What do a spelling bee and a winter storm have in common? They both have I-spell-its! 

NED: Do you take your bike year-round?
ED: No, but in winter I ride my icicle! 

You're not allowed to have ‘big hair' in winter – you'll get 'fro sin. 

Who played guitar for Guns 'N' Frozes? Slush.
W hat happened to their lead singer's van in winter? Axel Froze.
And there was one other near miss, where the rhythm guitarist was driving the van in a snowstorm and he couldn't see the lane markers. They called him Blizzy Stradlin'. 

Do top scientists in the North get the Snowbelt Prize? 

Those in the Snowbelt live in squallor. 

Do Arctic sommeliers worry about the wine-chill factor?

Two chunks of candy became friends, while they were waiting for morning,  in Ralphie's Christmas stocking.

When he poured the contents out on the table, he decided to take the translucent sugar wafer and the Gummy Bear outside, to use as targets for his brand new  Red Ryder BB gun.

      
He took aim at the Gummy Bear first, but as he pulled the trigger, the sugar wafer leapt in front of the bear, and took the BB right through the middle!.

"Thank you!" said the bear. "You're a real LifeSaver!"

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week. At first I stopped at was Kia. Well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right. 

Then I went to a Ford dealer. I didn't really find anything I liked, but every car had a pair of shoes in the trunk.

At last I went to the Chevy dealer. Well I see one that I like. The dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk. Disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said: "Well, theres something missing."

The dealer puzzled asks: "What?"

I said: "At the Ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car!"

Smiling the dealer says: "That's so they can walk home!"

I was talking to a young woman in a bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?" 
 

From our friends at SAP........A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – "Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied – "My husband's cheque book!"

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"