One day God speaks to Joseph (who lives in California).
God; "Joseph, you have been a faithful servant so whatever you wish for it shall be granted".
Joseph thought for a while then said. "The thing I would really like is to go to Hawaii but you see I'm afraid of going in a boat and have a fear of flying. So God could you build me a bridge so I can drive there"?
God thinks for a bit then replies. "Joseph what you ask isn't easy. The engineering, cost, resources just to name a few would make this a huge undertaking. Is there anything else you may want my son"?
Joseph thinks a bit more then replies. "Well God. The only other thing I would like is to understand women. Their dreams, desires how to please them in every way possible"?
God thinks a bit then says to Joseph. "That bridge. Do you want two lanes or four"?

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?

"Don't get me wrong—I love nuclear energy! It's just that I prefer fusion to fission. And it just so happens that there's an enormous fusion reactor safely banked a few million miles from us. It delivers more than we could ever use in just about 8 minutes. And it's wireless!"
— William McDonough

Two friends with radically different political views are on their way to the polls on election day.

One guy turns to the other and says "You know, we've argued about this for months, and we're obviously going to vote for different candidates. Our votes will cancel each other out anyways, so why don't we just call it a draw and go home instead?"

Other guy agrees, they shake hands and part ways.

Another guy who overheard the conversation approaches the dealmaker and says with admiration, "That's a real sportsmanlike offer you just made!"

"Not really," guy says, "Just this afternoon I've already done this three times."

A politician gives a stump speech in an Indian reservation, trying to garner the Native American ballot. "If elected, I promise better education for Native Americans," he says.

The crowd goes wild, calling out "Hoya! Hoya!"

Guy doesn't know what the word means, but he figures, hey, they look excited, so he goes on. "I promise to propose legislation permitting a casino to be built on this reservation," he says.

The crowd gets even more frenzied, and keeps shouting "Hoya!" over and over. Encouraged by the cheers, he finishes his speech: "And if elected, I promise to ensure better health care and employment options for Native Americans!"

The crowd is at a fever pitch, stamping their feet and yelling "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

His speech finished, the guy shakes some hands, kisses some babies, and decides to go on a tour of the reservation before hitting the campaign trail again.

The politician comes across a huge herd of cattle, and says to his guide, "I was raised on a ranch, and I've always loved cattle. Mind if I go over and get a closer look?"

"Sure," says the guide, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again. 

Space: the final frontier. . . . . .

A senior executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in the company.  Hoping to find out something about her personality he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

The blonde thought for a moment and said, "The living one."

A little out-of-the-way greasy-spoon restaurant  advertised that if anyone could order a sandwich they couldn't make---they'd award the customer ten thousand dollars on the spot.   For months people drove in from all over just to see if they could stump the cooks.  No luck.  It seems this joint had every exotic ingredient right at their finger tips. from canary bird brains on toast to aardvark tonsil subs, you name it---they had it. Then one day a guys walks in wearing a sly smile.  "Whatcha gonna have, Hon?" asked the waitress. "I'd like an elephant ear sandwich on a bun." he grinned.  "Didja want chesse on that?" asked the waitress.  "Sure.  And lots of mayo too."  The waitress turned in the order.  Within seconds , complete bedlam broke out in the kitchen.  Chinese, Italian, Mexican and a dozen more chefs were screaming and cursing in every foreign language.  The kitchen staff started throwing meat cleavers at each other.  It was absolute chaos.  Suddenly the uproar stopped and the sweat-soaked manager came thru the kitchen door with a huge wad of cash in his hand.  He walked over to the customer and slammed the money down in front of him. "Here's your ten thousand bucks, pal."  The customer looked up and said: "It was the elephant ear wasn't it!!??"    "Nope." said the bruised and bloodied manager, "........we're outta buns."

After being married for many years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, many years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Older women. They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'

Look down the front of your shirt and spell "attic".

A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head. 

The bartender asked, "What's with the paper towel?"

"Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head", the pirate replied.

A man went to see a psychiatrist, who quickly diagnosed him as a kleptomaniac.

"Really?" The guy said.

"Is there anything I can take for it?"

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably
won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be
okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm
trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in
the wreck and we were unable to find it..'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'


'Yes, she has,' says the man.


'And what is it?' asks the doctor.


'We're getting granite countertops.'

"The Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough,

They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' "

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" 

Margaret looked him over.. "Nope." 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow! 

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" 

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.. Shoulda bought a hat." 

A married couple visit a psychiatrist.  They obviously have a sense of urgency.  "Please help my husband, said the wife, "he thinks he is a chicken."  The doctor asked, "just how long has he been thinking he's a

chicken?  "About five years," replied the wife.  Shocked, the doctor asks, "why in the world have you waited all these years to seek treatment?"  

The wife answered, "Well, we've been running low on funds to buy groceries, and we really needed the eggs."

A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.

The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”

The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”

There was a duck who walked into a store and said, “got any candy?”

The storekeeper said, “no, we don’t.”

The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same anwer.

The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!”

The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “no.”

Then the duck asks, “got any candy?”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?

DEFINITION

(Thought up by my sister Bridget, in Oklahoma)

DIPTHONG  ( n ) Underwear worn by a nerd.