The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside. 

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer. 

He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. 

Finally, he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who’s there?"

Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I’ve lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. It asks the bartender how much for the beer. The bartender says "For you, no charge."  

The sailing party was hopelessly lost on the ocean. The sun was going down and the waves were starting to build
when one of the sailors growled, “I thought you said you were the best damn captain in California.”
“Oh I am,” replied the captain firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Mexico by now.” 

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he
guided merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However,
there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock
himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock
it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost
love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the
captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed
the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: Port Left, Starboard Right 

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender
is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd
drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!" 

  Nice one, Max!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and enjoys the sun and the lake while reading her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" 
"Reading a book," she replies, while thinking "Isn't that obvious?"
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. 
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." 
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. 
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. 
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." 
"Have a nice day ma'am," says the warden as he revs up his motor and leaves.

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled.

He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a s*** house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job. 

A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church, when he struck his thumb. "Damn it, I missed!" cries the carpenter. The minister corrects him, saying, "You shouldn't say such a thing in the church." The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. "Damn it, I missed!" he yells. The minister again corrects the carpenter. The carpenter continues with his work without further comment. Again the carpenter strikes his thumb, and again he yells, "Damn it, I missed!!!!" When the minister corrects him this time, the carpenter asks, "What's going to happen a bolt of lightening going to strike me dead?" The minister says, "As a matter of fact, yes it will !", when all of a sudden a bolt of lightening comes through the roof, and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, "Damn it, I missed!!"

YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN 

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Boundary time again..They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good BOAT story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted..

A shift worker husband's note on refrigerator for his wife: 

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't even know you liked beer."

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. 

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. 

When the funeral procession is past, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"

The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Time out for something a little different.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rawhide Creek
 

Time out for something a little different.

---

This  made me laugh far too loud and long. Startled the dog.

As they were preparing to cut the cake at their 75th anniversary celebration, the old man nuzzled the old woman's ear and whispered, "Darling, there's a question I've been wanting to ask you all these years. Our eleventh child never did look very much like his siblings. Did he have a different father?"
Lowering her eyes, and hesitating for a moment, the old woman murmured, "Yes, he did dear."
The old man stood there, unable to speak for a moment, until he finally asked, "Who? Who is it?"
"You, dear!" she admitted.

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support, 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Reply From Tech Support:

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!