I know it an oldie, but it is still funny....

This one is an oldie ( as the event has past ) but a goodie....Watching CBC coverage of the Winter Olympics, I saw an Inuit competing
in the downhill slalom. He kept getting in the way of the other skiers,
and yet no one did anything to remove him from the course. I just
couldn't believe my eyes!

Finally, I realized my mistake. He was not, in fact, an Inuit
competitor.

He was only an obstacle Aleutian.

(unknown authorship)

Experts agree that over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research.

It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections that can't remember what to do with them.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a old woman's house. As he was carrying off the TV, the woman admonished him loudly, " By the power of Acts 2:38, the Holy Spirit compels you to stop and surrender!" Surprisingly, the burglar put down the TV and waited quietly until the police arrived. The officer asked the burglar why he had given up so easily. The burglar replied, " I wasn't gonna mess around with that crazy old lady! She has an axe and two .38s!"

What do you call a folk singer stranded on a desert island?

Gilligan Welch

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." 

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. 

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. 

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. 

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
His mother replies, "I don't like her."

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants, one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small town. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. That's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"

"Oh," replied Jim, "Yale."

"That's very good, excellent. You're hired!"

"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"

Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper, "Do yachts like this sink very often?"

"Not too often," replied the skipper. "Usually it's only the once."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh NO NO ! You're cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh good grief! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!!! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of EGGS ???"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving !!!"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A woman was out walking with her four-year-old daughter. The little girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.
"Why?" the daughter asked.
"Because it's been lying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, the little girl looked at her mother with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," thinking quickly the mom said "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a Mommy."
They walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but the little girl was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy!"

What are those flowers with the pink peddles and yellow buds called?  I forget.

Poem About Jokes

by Mike Gregory,  Poet LowRate, BHO

------------------------------------

Why does the chicken............?

Where did the bear........?

Knockety-knocking,

Asking "Who's there???"

Sex and Religion,

Politics, too!

God bless the Jesters

For the good that they do

----------------------------

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

Mick's wife was in bed with her husband's best friend Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief conversation.

"Who was it? The buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick." She replied calmly.

"Oh, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did he say where he was?"

"Relax he said he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you"

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size eight shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I've been doing this for years, and I can see you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size eight shoe."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and stands up, obviously in pain.

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend, and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these darn shoes.

You don't need a parachute if you want to go skydiving.
You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving twice.

One of Socrates' pupils comes to him, very excited. "Socrates, Socrates, I must tell you something!"
"Calm down. Before you tell me, I want you to apply the triple filter test."
"What's that?"
"Well, first of all, do you know that what you're going to tell me is true?"
"Well...um...no."
"OK. Is what you're going to tell me good?"
"Uh...no."
"So you're going to tell me something bad that you aren't sure is true. Mhm. Final filter, is it beneficial?"
"Not really, no..."
"I think it's best if you don't tell me, if it's neither certainly true, nor good, nor beneficial."
And that's how Socrates gained a reputation as a great philosopher and thinker.
It's also why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

This one is in honour of Vin Scully....A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"

A man dropped his car off at an auto repair shop, complaining to the service manager about a clunking noise whenever he went around corners.

The manager sent the auto mechanic a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

The mechanic took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with a note that read: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

One night a beautiful female vampire rushed into a crypt, her lovely face all covered in blood and flung herself into her coffin and slammed down the lid with a snarl of rage.

All the other vampires smelt the blood and began hassling her about where she'd got it. She told them to **** off and let her get some sleep, but they persisted until she finally gave in. "OK, follow me," she said, and spreading out her cloak, flew out of the crypt with the others behind her.
Down through a valley they swept, across a river and into a huge city. Finally she slowed down and the other vampires milled excitedly around her, their tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that massive, great lamppost over there?" she asked.

"YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bloodsuckers all screamed in a feeding frenzy.

"Good!" said the first vampire, "Because I ****ing-well didn't!"