Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.

"So how was it?" his mother asked Little Johnny.

"Great!" Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Okay, boundary time again... Progression of a man's sex life:
Tri-weekly.
Try weekly.
Try weakly.

Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. 

One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. 

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Grandpa was going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom would send me to the store. I'd get a ham, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, and a magazine, all for a quarter.

"You can't do that anymore. They've got those darn video cameras everywhere!"

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said one student.

"And the opposite of depression?"

"Elation," said another.

"And how about the opposite of woe?"

A farm boy in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."

My mate Pete is a midget. He loves to bake - he's obsessed with flatbreads. All he talks about is flatbreads, flatbreads, flatbreads.

I don't mind though - I love the pitta-patter of tiny Pete.

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”

Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”

Several race horses are resting in their stable. 

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse chimes in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. 

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

From our friends at SAP       

man from out of town walks into a bar.

He sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. 

He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. 

The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" 

The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high."

A brief and original Poem,
titled
"Floral Pollination"

-----------------------
Hey, Petunia!
The bees are skrunia!
----------------------

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

" "What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!" 

My friend asked me if I wanted a game of darts.
I said, “Go on then, nearest the bull starts.”

He said, “Baa!”

I said, “Moo!”

He said, “You’re closest.”

Groan
A high school chemistry professor gave his class a pop quiz on a lesson from earlier in the week. "What is the formula for water?" he asked. A second later, a hand was raised at the back of the classroom.

"HIJKLMNO", said the student authoritatively.

"What? That's incorrect," asked the professor.

"Well the other day," said the student, "you said it was 'H' to 'O'".

Boundary time....The English Language - One Word or Two?

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for dinner and had a heart to heart talk over about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, pondering her response.

Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

An afternoon smile..... maybe?

The doctor, a proctologist, was discussing how the new secretary was working out on her first day on the job. 
"Basically", he said, " You are efficient and diligent in your duties, however I would still prefer that you call them patients".

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty 
ROARRRR! and I soiled myself." 

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." 

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'" 

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Apologies to anyone from Yorkshire.

A Yorkshireman who went to place an In memoriam notice in the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife. The couple had been happily married for 50 years.
When informed of the cost by the woman at the desk, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "How much?"
Shaking his head, he reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat simple," he explained.
"Perhaps a small poem," suggested the woman at the desk.
"Nay," said the man, "she wunt 'ave wanted anything fancy. Just put in: 'Gladys Braithwaite died'."
"You need to say when," he was told by the receptionist taking his order.
"Do I? Well, put died March 17, 2008. That'll do."
"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase," said the woman.
The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, 'Sadly missed.' That'll do," he said.
"You can have another four words."
"No, that'll do. She wouldn't have wanted me to waste money."
The woman at the desk explained. "They are included in the price."
The man raised an eyebrow. "Well, if I've paid for 'em!" exclaimed the man, "I'm 'avin' 'em."

The obituary was duly printed:

Gladys Braithwaite.
Died 17th March, 2008.
Sadly missed.
Also tractor for sale.

A couple was visiting with friends. The talk came around to marriage issues. The hosts asked their visiting couple how long they have been happily married. The woman replied, "We've been happily married for 20 years." The man sat for a minute and said, "No, we've been happily married for three years." His wife then spoke up and said, "Dear, you know we've been married for 20 years". He replied, "Yes, and the first two were happy, and one year long about 1985. Can't say much about the rest of the time." 

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: 

"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" 

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?" 

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" 

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." 

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. 

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" 

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" 

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used!" 

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, <> "Go ahead Father. Next!"