“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

(From my grade school days

Three young moles are crawling through the tunnel, heading for where Momma mole is cooking breakfast.

First one says "I think I smell pancakes with HONEY!"

Second one says "I think I smell waffles with MAPLE SYRUP!"

Third one says "I smell molasses!"

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts to her husband at the top of her lungs, "Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband cries, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the frog. "Your name is written inside the cover." 

Baby Frog: Mama, who is smarter- a chicken or a frog?
Mama Frog: We are of course!!

Baby Frog: How do you know?

Mama Frog: Well, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Frog?

Nightwatchmen in the (dark satanic) mills in the North of England used dogs while on patrol at night. A particularly good breed, known for its acute intelligence combined with merciless savagery when confronted by intruders, came from Bavaria.

One old nightwatchman had a pack of them for company and protection. He just sat in his cosy wee hut all night while they roamed the premises.

One night the mill-owner paid a surprise visit and was no too pleased to see the old guy asleep in his hut. He gave him a prod and demanded to know why the premises weren't being patrolled.

"Oh, there's no problem, guv'nor. You see …"

(bursting into song …)

"The mills are alive, with the hounds of Munich … "

Life
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed..

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I ! will give you a life
span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. 

You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Ok, here ya go. (Apologies to our light colored hair persons in advance.)

Did you hear about the Blonde who was fired from the candy factory? She was  throwing out all of the W&W's.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now!

Talking about the light haired women. Here is a smart blonde:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. 

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the  street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. 

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a  $5,000 loan.  

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground  garage and parks it there. 

Two  weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.  The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out  very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We  checked you out and found that  you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 

The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City  can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and  expect it to be there when I return?" 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike.....", "The Coopers are having sex!!" 

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?"

The man replied, "150."

The robot then proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.

Again the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?"

The man responded, "100." 

So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
The man went out and came back in a third time. 

As before the robot asked him, "What's your I.Q.?"

The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote Liberal again?"
 

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No.5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."

Okay, maybe on the boundary here.....An older gent wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeeper.

"That's right," said the gentleman. "My last four scores were seven years ago."

A professor who had recently made a clone of himself was asked to tell about his accomplishment at a scientific convention held in a fifth floor hotel ballroom.

As he was giving his speech, the clone, who was sitting next to him, kept interrupting with a stream of filthy words.

Finally, the professor could no longer control his anger. He picked up the clone and started to throw him out the window. Fortunately, his colleagues stopped him just in time.

When the police arrived, they handcuffed the professor and booked him. The charge: trying to make an obscene clone fall.

A man was at the hospital awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to be anaesthetised, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy."