A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." 

***

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

This miserable-looking guy is sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He’s been like that for half-an-hour now.
Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy’s drink from the bar, and drinks it all down in one gulp. The sad guy starts to cry.

The truck driver is a bit off-put by this and says to him, “Come on man, I was only joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I can’t stand to see a grown man cry.”

The sad guy sobs, “No, it’s not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone off and I’m late for work and my boss fires me. Then when I leave the office, my car’s been stolen. The cops said there’s nothing they can do. So I have to get a cab home. After it drives off I realize I’ve left my wallet and credit cards in it. So I walk into my house only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I walk right out and come straight here. And, just when I’m thinking about ending my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Positively my favourite Dog video, and I often use this in my ESL classes.... 

https://youtu.be/Oq8nYgnE93Y

A colonel on his way home from work at the Department of National Defense in Ottawa came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The Prime Minister is just so depressed about the minority government thing he stopped his car and driver in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says Canadians hate him and he doesn't have the $1 billion he blew on gun control or the $100 million he blew on Adscam to pay back the people. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred liters, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrociouskj

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though ... "!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."
__

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? " 

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." 

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." 

Don said: ! "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

What did the ocean say to the shore?   Nothing - - it just waved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mother was very smart and she taught all of us kids well.

She taught us the science of OSMOSIS:  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper"!

Then there was the TIME TRAVEL lesson:  "Keep that up and I'll knock you into the middle of next week".

And she taught us RELIGION:  "You better pray that that comes out of the carpet"!

She also taught us about CONTORTIONISM:  "Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck"!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The letter A had to go to the bathroom.  He went in as A, but came out as E.  He had a vowel movement.

The Pond 
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. 

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing spontaneously. 
He came closer and saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deepest part of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." 

** Moral: Old men can still think fast.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake --- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there --- on the couch --- naked.

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts to her husband at the top of her lungs, "Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband cries, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift anyhow."

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” 
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” 

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”