While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Alberta rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor and the old man struck up a conversation about Justin Trudeau being in the Prime Ministers chair in the House of Commons. The old Albertan said, “Well, ya know, Trudeau is a ‘post turtle’.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the it get down!”

Hope this link works, as a new sport may have been invented... https://youtu.be/eNuVhGvOwtI

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

A bunch of guys who are psychiatrists decide to form a rock band for something to do in their spare time. What did they call their band?

Pink Freud!

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." 

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."  

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk
carton

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' 
friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

I first heard a version of this parable from my mother.
The point seems to be about how to communicate briefly, but effectively.
====================================
Shortly after the Union Pacific railway linked the U.S. by rail, a man named Flanagan was able to obtain a job as a ticket clerk at a station in the West.

A train was derailed, and the station master told Flanagan to write up a report, to be telegraphed to headquarters.

Here's the original, hand written version
.................................

"The westbound (combined) passenger and freight train struck the same bad stretch of track as has frequently caused several previous derailments.
This caused the engine and three passenger cars to become derailed.
The men among the passengers, along with the train crew and several local volunteers were able, after two hours of labor, to set the engine and cars back upon the tracks, and the train was able to continue without further incident."

The station master was OUTRAGED.
He berated Flanagan mercilessly, reminding him that telegraphy was EXPENSIVE, and that every WORD cost money, which would be deducted from the stationmaster's operating budget.

So here's the telegram, as sent:

" OFF AGAIN, ON AGAIN, GONE AGAIN. FLANAGAN"

Murphy is tellin' O'Shea about this great bar he should try.  "When ya go in, all the patrons start buyin' ya drinks, and ya can get laid six times, easy as ya please."   Naturally, O'Shea is a bit suspicious and asks:  Have ya ever actually been ta this bar?  Murphy: "No, but me sister 'as, an' she swears it's true."

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his Dachshund, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his Dachshund down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his Dachshund, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the Dachshund's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the Dachshund's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your Dachshund is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his Dachshund is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your Dachshund is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my Dachshund is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat scan and Lab tests."

Thought of the Day!
Some people are like slinkies,
They really don't have a purpose
But they can bring a smile to your face
When you push them down the stairs.

Three priests were in a railroad station on their
way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely,
well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they
drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus

quote:

---

Originally posted by banyes
 

Three priests were in a railroad station on their
way home to Pittsburgh.
====================================================

And when Eddie Money is on the radio, singing

"Two Tickets to Paradise"

guess who is singing along, but singing

"Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" ?    

Fresh from the most recent READERS' DIGEST

---------------------------

If I truly were two-faced,  would I be wearing THIS one???"

-A. Lincoln-

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." 

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." 

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

An elderly couple was attending church services and about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."