A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging gin, as she sits alone at a nearby table.

Finally, the wife asks "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced, seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God," says the wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?' 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?' 

'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.' 

'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?' 

'Sir,' answered the little man, 'It's a four week old puppy.' 

'Bull!' roared the biker, 'How could your puppy kill my Doberman?' 

'It appears that he choked on it, sir.'

Boundary time again...

As an airplane is about to crash, an old maid jumps up and says, "If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

And then there was the case of a man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.

After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the confident Dr. Smythe. "Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.

"So what?" shouted Marcus.

"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe. 

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. 

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. 

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper here either."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed inbetween the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment, he claimed: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

A couple of weeks back when we were away, they finally completed the remodelling of our neighbourhood Safeway store, a welcome thing as it was getting a bit shabby. Was quite a surprise when I shopped there for the first time.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

PARTIAL Quote:

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Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’

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UNQUOTE

Recently seen on a tee shirt:

I am not ARGUING!

I am simply EXPLAINING, again and again, why I am right!

Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

 Fire Chief Williams rushed into a burning building and rescued 
a beautiful young lady who was clad in a scanty nightgown.  He 
carried her in his arms down three flights of smoke filled stairs, 
saving her life. As they arrived safely outside, a wave of 
gratitude rushed over her.
  She looked at the fireman with great joy and admiration, then 
said, "Oh, you are quite wonderful!  It must have taken great 
strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
  "Yes, that's so," the fireman admitted.  "I had to fight off 
three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

Because of climate change, a great forest fire went out of control. 
A photographer of an environmental magazine was assigned to get photos of the fire.
Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. ‘It will be waiting for you at the airport!’ he was assured by his editor. 
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, ‘Let’s go! Let’s go!’ 
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 
‘Fly over the north side of the fire,’ said the photographer, ‘and make three or four low-level passes.’ 
‘Why?’ asked the pilot. 
‘Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!’ said the photographer with great exasperation. 
After a long pause the pilot said, ‘You mean you’re not the instructor?’ 

Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. 
One guy says, ‘My house burnt down. I lost everything but the insurance company paid up and that’s why I’m here.’ 
The second guy says, ‘My gas station blew up. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that’s why I’m here.’ 
The third guy says, ‘My farm suffered a terrible flood. I lost everything, but the insurance company paid up and that’s why I’m here.’ 
The first guy turns to him and says, ‘Flood? How the hell do you start a flood?’ 

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" 

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." 

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

An explorer, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old... man at a small stand selling neckties.

He asked, "Do you have water?"

The... man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150."

He shouted, "Idiot! You are stupid. I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old...man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie or that you think I am not smart. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Have a nice  day."

Muttering, the explorer staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."