Marriage vs Prison

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". 
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. 
"Yes I do" she replies. 
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" 
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 25 years?" 
"I remember that too" she replies softly. 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".

Probably crowding the limits from two directions, but what the heck:

Three nuns die on the same day and go to their heavenly reward.

They find themselves together at the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter himself the gatekeeper.

"Sisters," he says, "We look forward to having you here.  But you do have to demonstrate at least a minimum of Bible knowledge before being admitted, so I'll ask each of you one question."  Of the first, he asks, "What was the name of Adam and Eve's third son?"

"Seth," she replies without hesitation.  Bells rang and the heavenly choir sang.  The gates opened and she walked through.

He looks at the second and asks, "Where did Cain go?"

She thinks for a moment, then answers, "East of Eden."  Bells rang and the heavenly choir sang.  The gates opened and she walked through.

St. Peter turns to the third nun. "What were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

She thinks and thinks, and thinks some more, trying to remember what the answer might be.  She simply can't think of a response.  "Wow, that's a hard one!" she says.

Bells rang and the heavenly choir sang . . .

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago," came the reply.

From my brother Martin:

Company in Tennessee is selling recycled chewing tobacco.
Calling it The Chattanooga Chewed Chew"!

You know those leftover singleton socks you have after doing laundry?  Now you can send them to an outfit In Brooklyn where, for every two unmatched socks you send in, you will receive back a matched pair.

It's call the New York Sock Exchange.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP

Q: Why was astrology invented?
A: So that economics could be considered an accurate science.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

Who's there???

EXCELLENT GUESS!

A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first nighttime "solo" flight. He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land, instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said: "Guess whoooo?" 
Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights and said: "Guess where..." 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"

The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her." 

A man is walking home  alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... 

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP.... 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP.. 

clappity-BUMP...on his heels, as the terrified man runs.  Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. 

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of  cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,

The coffin stops. 

It is a sad day here in the Continuous Joke Of The Day thread with the news of the passing of Dave Broadfoot.  He was a mainstay of Canadian humour and may be best known to many for his work on CBC's Royal Canadian Air Farce. In his honour I thought I would post a typical Broadfoot view of Canadian culture.

Broadfoot poked fun at all regions of the country with mildly politically incorrect results, praising the peace and quiet one finds in Quebec on Canada Day, and also in an extended riff on Canadian inventiveness.

"Down East in 1846, Abraham Gesner invented kerosene. And the people loved the taste.

"And the kerosene lamp became a symbol of Canadian manhood – it's not very bright. It gets turned down a lot and when needed most, goes out."

Look on the BRIGHT side, Baynes!

With Broadfoot gone, you are one notch closer to becoming The Funniest Man In Canada!

Just out of curiosity:
Did he ever appear on a double bill with one of my favorite Canadian singers?

A poster advertising Broadfoot and Lightfoot would be a rare thing, indeed.
Add Bigfoot, and the ticket sales would have been tremendous!

A canadian calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Antoine Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!" The next day the RCMP descends on Antoine's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Antoine and leave. The phone rings at Antoine's.. "Hey Antoine, did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yep" "Did they chop all your firewood?" "Yep" "Happy Birthday Buddy!" 

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. 

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. 

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. 

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." 

The late Dave Broadfoot believed that all liquor stores should be owned by the government.

So, no matter how drunk you get, you're still helping your country.

My Uncle Joe told many stories of the jobs he had during his youth. One of my favorites was regarding the time he worked at the apothecary while in high school.

He had been there about three months when he was approached by the owner / pharmacist and told that if he didn't straighten up he would be fired. It seems that Uncle Joe had frequently been giving bad recommendations concerning over the counter medications.

The very next day a customer came in with a bad cough due to bronchitis and wanted something to give him some relief from the resulting sore throat and related aches. Well, Joe pulled a package off of the shelf and told him to take two now and then one every six hours. The grateful man paid, took two, and went out the front door.

The pharmacist came from behind the dispensing counter and told Joe that he had made his last mistake. He was fired. Uncle Joe asked why he was being fired. The pharmacist said "It is as obvious as the nose on your face; Mr. Walters came in wanting a cough medicine and you gave a laxative."  Joe replied "I shouldn't be fired. Just look, Mr. Walters is still at the bus stop holding on to that lamp post. You can tell by the way he is cringing that he is not about to let himself cough."

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. 

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. 

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind'a makes ya proud to be Canadian! ...eh ?

THE CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.' Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.' BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

CASE DISMISSED!!

From Grampa Jones:

"Once knowed a feller who was SO baldy-headed, he had to make a chalk mark on his head, so's he knew when to stop washing his face!"

One good Jones story deserves another......

It was Grandpa Jones 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. Ive been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.""How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked."Its simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."