The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

A woman walks into an optician to return a pair of spectacles that she purchased for her husband a week before.
The assistant asks, “What seems to be the problem, Madam?”
The woman replies, “I’m returning these spectacles I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”

Popped up on fb:  Chinese couple living in Africa has a black baby.  

Angry husband asks wife: Chi, why baby black?

Wife: We in Africa. No electricity. I hot...you hot...sex hot. Baby burnt!

Herding Sheep
-------------
One Winter day, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a
pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the
rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
 

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Noticing a man who appeared to be really drunk, a few of the guys at the bar decided to be Good Samaritans and help him get home. They picked him up off the floor and dragged him out the door. The poor guy fell down three times on the way to the car.

Finding his house, they helped him out of the car and he fell down four more times on the way to his front door. The helpful fellows rang the doorbell and the man's wife came to the door. One said, "Here's your husband! We got him home safe and sound!"

"Oh thank you!", the woman said. "But where is his wheelchair?"

A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep....' 'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls. 'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke. 'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in the States we don't even let them drive...'

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.

As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."

"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.

"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."

Betty was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when she was startled by a Buick Enclave crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on her lawn.  She helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness," she exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!" "Yes", he replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license."

"What....NO LICENSE?" "Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told I did have one and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket and said, 'You won't be need this anymore.' So, I thanked him and left."

A teenage boy called Joel had just passed his driving test and asked Dad when they could discuss his use of the car.

Dad said 'Ill make a deal with you Joel, You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Joel, you've brought your grades up and I've seen that you have been studying your Bible. But I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

"Joel, did you also notice all those people walked everywhere they went?"

bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.*

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too."* Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

So, the next time you're last in line, consider yourself blessed!
*

Post
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily dressed, depressed-looking stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it, and dropped it out the window.

The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."

A hungry lion was roaming the veldt looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was nearby, typing away on his laptop.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Beasts knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

One day, a man walked into a restaurant, with a lion. After being seated, he asked the waitress, 'Do you serve lawyers here?' 'Yes', the waitress replied. 'Ok, I'll take a ham sandwich for myself, and a lawyer for my lion'.

Getting Old?

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" This one hurts!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face 'was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did." he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1961. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a human heart made up of red flowers.

Following the service, after everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing Buddy?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "I'm a proctologist."

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

WHY...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? 

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

one liners
1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences; she thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap; park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs? A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't have a clue as to what's going on.

Have you heard about the dyslexic satan worshipper? 
He sold his soul to santa. 

And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."