The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming Rio Olympic Games.
He told us, 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'

At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?'
'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the Rio Olympics was only second best.
She just walked off with the silver.

Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport In 2016? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

Olympic Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, is Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized.

European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 July 2015.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.

BEER


"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Paul HORNING???

You can say anything you want about my childhood hero, Green Bay Packer PAUL HORNUNG, but SPELL it PROPER, or don't mention him at all!

PS: One of the big shots making the movie, "The Dirty Dozen" was pals with Vince Lombardy, the Packer's coach.

So when he needed a tall, blond, muscular fellow to walk into the bar scene, as a LUMBERJACK, they had PAUL do it.

The reaction in the theater I saw it in, being in Wisconsin, and FULL of people who knew him on sight, was hoots of laughter.

quote:

---

Originally posted by mike gregory
 

Paul HORNING???

You can say anything you want about my childhood hero, Green Bay Packer PAUL HORNUNG, but SPELL it PROPER, or don't mention him at all!

---

Since the quote has been documented back to at least 1950 when Paul Hornung was about 15 years old I sincerely doubt he was it's creator. No one really knows who launched the "I quit reading" meme. Maybe it was Paul Horning.  

....and its Lombardi. 

Courtesy of our friends at SAP.........

Two hunters are walking when they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.  

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"  

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up, carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While standing there staring at each other in amazement, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission."
 

Married 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... 

he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f -----g blanket!" 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A blonde man from Saskatoon was going to Rio to see his first Olympic Games.
 He drives all the way into Regina to apply for a 
passport. In the passport office, the government official sees 
that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application. 
The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the
blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space 
labeled 'SEX.'
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean 
by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

"Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.

Brewster the Rooster

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. 
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. 
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all. Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 
 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."!

Courtesy of my friend SINC

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S. H. I. T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I thought it was a Golf Term!

And now you know.....

If you're relating the "ship high in transport" story as a joke, that's fine, but it's not the true origin of the word. It has distinctively identifiable common roots in several different languages, effectively ruling out the possibility of it beginning as a modern English acronym.

Reminds me of a similar tall tale about the origin of the term "posh." :)

Hi Craig, yes it is a joke. And you are correct there are many words we use in English that we have urban legends as to their origin.......many that can't be used here.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

I’m good at solving labyrinths. It only takes me a minotaur to.

Corporate Talk

Helping you figure out those slick and glossies from companies recruiting here are what they actually mean. 

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. 

"IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. 

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. 

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" We have a lot of turnover. 

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. 

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. 

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 

"FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. 

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. 

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. 

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. 

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. 

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD" You whine, you're fired.

From our friends from SAP. Twins With A PurposeConjoined twins walk into a bar and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country … the history, the culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive."