A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Speaking of classy insults, without obscenities, here's a favorite, from a conversation between Danny Thomas and Danny Kaye, about how EXCELLENT the old women in their respective childhood neighborhoods were, at casting curses:

"You should drop dead so fast that, when you hit the sidewalk, you break your ARM!"

One of my favs was attributed to Margaret Thatcher when she was installed as PM. A reporter asked her what she thought about being the PM and being a woman. Thatcher snapped back that " I have a vagina and a brain and I use them both". There was no word on whether the reporter had a come back question.

Margaret Thatcher takes the cabinet out for dinner. The waiter comes along and asks her what she will be eating tonight.

Margaret replies, 'I'll have the steak.'

The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?'

To which Margaret says, 'They'll have the same as me.'

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the back yard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid hussy was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'The cab driver hit a parked car "

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.

An elderly guy was driving his Corvette at a good clip when he spotted a trooper in his rear view mirror. So instead of slowing down he speeded up and to the trooper's chagrin a high speed pursuit followed. The man realized that he just was to old fooling around with a cop, decided to pull over after all and awaited the arrival of the trooper.
When the trooper arrived he asked for the man's license and registration. Then he told the man "Look I'm about to go off duty and if you have an excuse that I never heard before and it has merit, I'll let you go." The elderly man was silent for a while and then responded with following excuse. " A few years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought he was trying to bring her back." The trooper let him go...

Hi Baynes

My wife's cousin used a variant of that one as part of his speech at our wedding. Thanks for reminding me of it!

Jim

quote:

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Originally posted by Hawgfiddle65
 

Hi Baynes

My wife's cousin used a variant of that one as part of his speech at our wedding. Thanks for reminding me of it!

Jim

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Your are most welcome!

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?".

courtesy of a friend of mine:




Use of Lipstick in School


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them,
and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the
little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip
prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.

As we progress into the year 2016, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS:

to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 13958th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 3,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN:

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW:

I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE: 

I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid 
I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 44,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

OH BY THE WAY:

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.



P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.



if this wasn't true, it wouldn't be so funny. 

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.

'What was that for?' he asked.

She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

Her dog and her cat were pulling the wagon.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren"

a man and his wife of many years are sitting out on their porch, having an evening drink. after a while, the husband proclaims "after all these years, I STILL love you!".

the wife looks at him and says "so, is that YOU or the beer that's talkin'?

the man quickly replies "honey, its ME that was talking..... 


............TO THE BEER!" 

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready.

A "TOUCHING" Shopping Story
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".


The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.


Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop.

Little Johnny was at home one day and happened into the bathroom as his daddy was standing there ... relieving himself. Jonny looked, quite amazed, and said; "wow. daddy, what do you call that!" His dad, considering his word carefully, then remarked to Johnny, well, that's my "nerve", son. 

The next day, Johnny's lady teacher dismissed the class to go to lunch. It was their custom upon returning to the classroom to give the kids a potty break so it would not interfere with their after lunch study period. The bathroom break over, all the kids returned to class except little Johnny. After waiting a considerable time, the teacher sought out Johnny. With no male teacher in sight, the lady teacher finally entered the restroom where she found little Johnny over in the corner, relieving himself in the trash can instead of the urinal.  She approached little Johnny, and in a very disapproving tone, remarked to him; "Boy, you've got some nerve!"

Little Johnny replied; "If you think I've got some nerve, you ought to see my daddy's!" 

Did you wake up Grumpy ?
Years ago, I worked for a bank. Early one morning, a regular customer came through the front door grousing about everything as he walked up to the counter.

When he finally stopped grousing, I asked

" Did you wake up grumpy this morning ? "


He instantly replied

"No, I let her sleep ! "

Slowly butt Shirley, this thread is filling the mainframe with new jokes and old.

"And stop calling me Surely!"

An older gentleman, not yet accustomed to treatment periodically accorded Medicare patients, had an appointment to see the urologist, who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. 

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
“Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right? 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours!”