Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place."
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house; gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he had raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"
The Spaniard said, "No"!
One day a Greek government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will "What is your first wish?" The Greek government worker thought about it for a second, then replied "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and POOF! the man was surrounded by piles of money rivalling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the Greek government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And POOF!, he was there.
Then the Greek government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and POOF! ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office in Athens.
European paradise:
You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by an Englishman. Food is prepared by a Frenchman and an Italian puts you in the mood and everything is organised by a German.
European hell:
You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by a Frenchman. Food is prepared by an Englishman, German puts you in the mood but, don’t worry, everything is organised by an Italian.
Car Problem
A man's wife came home and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
He asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburetor. Her husband thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No," she insisted, "there's definitely water in the carburetor."
"Okay, honey, that's fine," he said. "I'll go take a look... where is it?"
"In the lake," she replied.
A turtle gets mugged by 2 snails. When the police come, they ask the turtle what happened. He says, "I don't know.....it happened so fast!".
Edited by - banyes on 07/05/2016 06:00:44
I was giving my wife some hints about what I wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
I said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
She bought me a scale. :eek:
BANJO JOKES! (stolen from some earlier thread)
1. Terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players going to a convention. They told authorities that unless their demands were met they would begin releasing the banjo players.
2. How can you tell if there's a banjo player at the door? He can't find the key or he doesn't know when to come in.
3. What's the definition of a perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a lavvy without hitting the seat.
4. What's the difference between a macaw and a banjo? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.
5. What do you call 25 banjo-players up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
6. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the banjo but doesn't.
7. What's the difference between a hedgehog that's been run over and a banjo that's been run over? The hedgehog has skid marks in front of it.
8. What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
9. What's the difference between a banjo player driving down the road and a frog driving down the road? There is a slight possibility that the frog might be going to a gig.
10. Do you know what they call a banjo player without a girlfriend? Homeless.
11. Do you know how to tell when a banjo player is playing out of key? His fingers are moving.
12. Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery - she says "Daddy, I didn't know they put two people in the same grave". I said honey they never do that. She said well look for yourself, on the tombstone it says - here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.
13. What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A banjo player.
14. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one - they put the bulb in the socket and then the whole world revolves around them.
15. How do you know if you're looking at a banjo player's family tree? It has only one branch.
16. How do you know the host of a party is a banjo player? If all the salad bowls say "Parkay" on the side.
17. How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player? If the car doesn't have wheels but the house does.
18. What is the difference between a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
19. How do you tune 2 banjos? You shoot one of them.
20. What do you throw a drowning banjo player. - His banjo!
21. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb... answer: 3 - 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder!
22. What's the difference between a banjo and a keyring? Keyrings hold the key!
23. What's the difference between a professional banjo player (banjologist?) and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four!
24. What's the definition of an optimist? A banjo player with an answer phone.
25. A banjo player leaves his banjo on view in the back of his car. On his return he was unhappy to find his rear window smashed in and TWO banjos in the back seat!
26. The banjo is a divine instrument. Man plays it but only God knows why!
27. Some people instantly dislike banjo players. It saves time.
28. The banjo is to music what spam is to food.
29. Gorillas cannot be taught to play the banjo. They're too sensitive.
30. How can you tell when a banjo player is on the level...when he drools out of both sides of his mouth at the same time!! :-)
31. Why are there no Banjos in Star Wars? Because it's set in the future!
32. What is the ideal weight of a banjo-player? 8 pounds, including the urn.
33. Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you, but you only have one month left to live!"
Woman: "But doctor, isn't there anything at all I can do?"
Doctor: "You could marry a banjo-player!"
Woman: "Oh, will I live longer, then"
Doctor: "No, but it will feel much longer!"
34. A banjo player parks his car in a bad neighbourhood with his banjo in the back seat. As he leaves he notices a sign that says , " DO NOT LEAVE CAR UNATTENDED. He goes on and when he returns sure enough someone has broken into his car and put in five more banjos.
35. Recently linguists at a prestigious American University programmed a Cray Supercomputer to determine what one sentence in the English language is least likely to ever be uttered. The answer? "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
36. Q. How do you stop the BP playing? A. put a sheet of music in front of him.
37. Q. How can a BP improve his car's petrol consumption? A. Take off the Domino's Pizza sign.
38. A tenor BP is fed up with constantly having the Mickey taken and speaks to his friend who is also a musician (sorry, who is a musician). His pal says "save up your cash and trade in that piece of firewood against a nice mandolin, a nice pre-war Gibson would give you a ton of cred! The BP saves and saves and one day goes shopping with a wad of dosh. "I'm looking for a nice mandolin, a pre-war Gibson was what I had in mind", he says. The assistant says, "Are you by any chance a tenor BP?". "Why, yes! You obviously recognise me!", replies our hero. "No, sir, it's just that this is a shoe-shop."
39. Q. How long does it take to tune a banjo? A. Nobody knows.
40. What's the difference between a hedgehog and a banjo. If you saw a hedgehog in the road you'd probably swerve to miss it.
41. How do you make a banjo player's car more aerodynamic? Take the pizza delivery sign of the roof.
42. What's the most beautiful sound anyone ever got out of a banjo? Splash.
43. Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker? It's hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.
44. What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion.
45. Banjo player decides to give up banjo playing and take up the Accordion. Sells the Banjo and goes to a big Music shop in Edinburgh to get an Accordion...The assistant says accordions are on the 2nd floor just go up and have a look I'll be up in 10 minutes after I attend this customer...Goes up in 10 minutes and says to the fella... Well have you picked your Accordion ...Yea replies the banjo player...Ah fancy that big Orange wan ower at the wa'..... Assistant says tell me were you ever a Banjo player....Aye how dae you know that???? Cos that isn't an accordion mate it's a f.......g radiator!!!!!!!!DOH!!!
46. What's the difference between an anchor and a banjo? You tie a rope to the anchor before you throw it overboard!
47. Why is a banjo like an artillery shell? Because by the time you hear either of them it is too late to run.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a banjo?
You can tune up a lawnmower.
Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military
jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.
The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:....
"Defrost the chicken." 
One day, Chuck Norris ordered two pizzas to go. They went.
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....
He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".
A man goes to the doctor. The receptionist asks what he has. He says shingles. He takes his information and shows him an examining room. A nurse goes into the examination room and ask what he has. He tells her he has shingles. She takes his blood pressure and takes a blood sample. She tells him to get undressed and leaves. A short while later, the doctor comes in. He ask what he has. He says he has shingles. The doctor asks where. He says its out back in his pickup and wants to know where he wants it put.
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes----------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------U Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------ Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -----------------------------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV------Winnie Bay Gogh
Not a joke - A question. Why do N Americans pronounce the Gogh in van Gogh like "go". These jokes don't work in the UK - Gogh like Goch where the "ch" is like in "loch". Or even sometimes "Goff". But never "Go".. Neither are anything like Vincent himself would have used - but ours at least tries.
quote:
Originally posted by AndrewD
Not a joke - A question. Why do N Americans pronounce the Gogh in van Gogh like "go". These jokes don't work in the UK - Gogh like Goch where the "ch" is like in "loch". Or even sometimes "Goff". But never "Go".. Neither are anything like Vincent himself would have used - but ours at least tries.
Here is a link to how it shall be pronounced in Dutch: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/32/Nl-Vincent_van_Gogh.ogg. It contains some difficult sounds and I guess the Americans have chosen to ignore all sounds that is not present in daily American English.
In Sweden we use to pronounce more like "Gog"
Hi Andrew, many in Canada pronounce it as "go". I think it is our North American dialect and the fact that his name was probably mispronounced years and years ago and became as the accepted pronunciation. I would bet that in the U.K. there are many dialects which have very different pronunciations. So, you are right, these would only work here in N.A.
quote
:
Originally posted by AndrewD
Not a joke - A question. Why do N Americans pronounce the Gogh in van Gogh like "go". These jokes don't work in the UK - Gogh like Goch where the "ch" is like in "loch". Or even sometimes "Goff". But never "Go".. Neither are anything like Vincent himself would have used - but ours at least tries.
Edited by - banyes on 07/08/2016 07:14:46
A drunk was sitting at an open upstairs window when he leaned too far out and fell to the sidewalk below. A man rushed over and asked,"What happened?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know - I just got here."
Potatoes:
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,
which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the potato
sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she
went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get
scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the
Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw .
Tom Brokaw ?
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER
Edited by - banyes on 07/08/2016 10:54:28
Just got off the phone with a buddy of mine who just came back from Russia. I asked him how his trip was and he said "great!". He saw the Kremlin and such and Lenin's Tomb. I asked him how that was and replied, " it was just another Russian plot".
Edited by - banyes on 07/08/2016 11:35:16
Darn! Lost the image.
Edited by - banyes on 07/09/2016 06:58:36
quote:
Originally posted by banyes
Darn! Lost the image.
So let's try this.....
quote:
Originally posted by banyes
Hi Andrew, many in Canada pronounce it as "go". I think it is our North American dialect and the fact that his name was probably mispronounced years and years ago and became as the accepted pronunciation. I would bet that in the U.K. there are many dialects which have very different pronunciations. So, you are right, these would only work here in N.A.quote:
Originally posted by AndrewD
Not a joke - A question. Why do N Americans pronounce the Gogh in van Gogh like "go". These jokes don't work in the UK - Gogh like Goch where the "ch" is like in "loch". Or even sometimes "Goff". But never "Go".. Neither are anything like Vincent himself would have used - but ours at least tries.
Have you heard what many of us Americans have done to "Modigliani"?
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