My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

The lights suddenly fail in John and Mary's Tottenham flat. They hear the sound of glass breaking - there are looters in the street below. 

"John, there's a mink coat in the window of Fraser's - do you think we might...?" 

"I don't like it Mary.  But you've been a good wife and I know how you've always yearned for mink, and I've never been a rich man. OK, just this once. Who's to know?" 

So they go to Fraser's, John throws a brick through the window, and Mary gets her fur. As they turn to go, Mary spots a 42" flat-screen TV in the window of Keitzner's Electricals,. "Oh, John,  look ...?" In goes another brick, out comes the TV. 

As they go home, they pass a jeweller. "John look at that beautiful necklace! One more little thing won't make any difference." 

"Oh for God's sake, woman! Do you think I'm made of bricks?"

My trip to the store.

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my member of Parliament about CSIS running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Dictionary


1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower .

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. 
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still 
ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.



And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. 

As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” 

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

Understanding engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........


I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed "It's WALES you friggin' IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember.....

Understanding engineers tres bein
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

What happens to the crews when a blue ship collides with a red ship..........they get marooned!😉😉

Here's an old banjo joke which I have recycled for an unhappy banjo player in Sweden:


"My NEW banjo only knows the same badly done songs as my OLD banjo!"

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.
It is hotter than your ex-wives’ tongues.
It is so hot that Polar Bears are wearing sun screen.
It is so hot that everyone is wearing “”sweat” pants
It is so hot your clothes iron themselves.
It is so hot that even white collar workers are red necks.
It is so hot that fire crackers light themselves.
It is hot that they installed a fan in the debt ceiling
It is so hot that global warming has been replaced by global melting
It is so hot that McDonalds is frying burgers on parked cars
It is so hot that the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
It is so hot that all the beach sand has turned into glass.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." 

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must
be a sign from God!" 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man. 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus", and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."

As kids, my brother and I would ride our bicycles five miles over both country lanes and dirt field roads to swim in the Loosahatchie River. One afternoon, after swimming for a few hours under a trestle, we stopped at Mr. Charles' store once we reached the paved roads. Having each pulled a big Coke, 12 ounces, bottle out of the vintage chest icebox and added the peanuts, we settled on the front porch to watch part of the day go by. After a bit. we were approached by a stranger. Being the eldest / largest, he looked towards me and asked "What is the quickest way to Hickory Withe?" (A small town just a few miles down the road.)

In turn, I asked him if he was walking or driving and he replied "Driving."

My brother piped in and said "That's the quickest way."

Back in Hi School, my typing teacher printed me a message:

"It is important to get the punctuation in the proper spot, you dip's hit!"

Some more Olympic jokes....

What's a banker's favourite Olympic event? Vault. 

How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention. 

It’s the Olympic Fishing event today. I hear it’s all online. Anyone got a good stream? 

I took my wife to see Usain Bolt in the men's 100m Olympic final. "Jamaica?" Yes, she bloody hates athletics. 

USA Women's Basketball team beat Turkey 89-58. Turkey's problem? Fouls. 

The British women's pair rowers will no doubt receive a Stanning ovation …

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Justin Trudeau, the Canadian Prime Minister,  is scheduled to speak at the opening ceremony of the Rio Olympics. Nervous, he asks for a teleprompter.

On the day of the speech, he takes to the podium and starts, "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh."

An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, "Mr. Prime Minister those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!"

There was a heat for the 200m Rio Olympic women's breaststroke, and the eight women who entered the race were named Emily (Aus), Maggie (Nz), Liz (Aus), Jean (USA), Alice (Can), Wanda (Ger), Tina (Rom) and Rose (England).

After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, Emily won the race, 5 seconds later, Maggie was declared the second place finisher.  Nearly 40 minutes later, Rose finally completed the race. 

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'