Married for sixty years
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
*
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
*
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
*
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
*
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
*
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
*
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
*
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
A LADY walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
"That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Boundary time again? Buddy and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her. "Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed. So he opened the window, snapped off the*aerial*and started whipping her with it.
Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back. The doctor said: "These are really badly infected.* I bet you got them*making wild passionate love didn't you?''
"Yes"*she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.
"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial*disease*I have ever seen".
Talking about aerials:
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t too much, but the reception was excellent.
Hi
Here are the the top 15 one liners from the Edinburgh fringe as voted for by audiences
Jim
After his exam the doctor said*to the elderly man,* "You appear to be in good health.* Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact,* I do,"* said the old man.* "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty,* and then,* after I have sex with her the second time,*I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,* "Everything appears to be fine.* Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her:* "Your husband had an unusual concern.* He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.*Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart,"* she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January"
Q: What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
A: FIRETRUCK
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Q. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them?
A. Hosea and Hoseb
_______________________________________________________________
Q. What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
A. "Holy smoke!"
Did you know that an occupational requirement for all broadcast announcers is to have small hands?
"Wee paws for a message from our sponsor."
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness:
This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.
Dear Faculty and Students:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said @#&$ you!
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes.
His in from the world of business: Keep your Pfizer Stock!
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in*liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage,*suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to *literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this* a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
Have you heard about the Viagra computer virus?
It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
Two mothers were talking about their sons.
The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
HEAVENLY REWARD:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the* pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,* "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.* He
flicked it on.* "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates,"* Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.** He
shook them and said,* "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets* and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,* "And just what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied,* "They're Carols."
A good Christian engineer died and was erroneously sent to Hell. Once there, he went to work reorganizing everything. He installed air-conditioning, cooling jets, refrigeration, the works.
Meantime, up in Heaven, the snafu was discovered and God sent and angry message down to Hell. "I request the immediate return of the engineer you have there. He belongs with us!"...
"No way", replied the Devil, "here he came, here he stays"...."If you do not comply instantly, I will sue you!" exclaimed God.
"And where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"...came back the Devil.
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID
Which I realize right after I've said them!
An elderly fella went to the doctor and came home looking dejected.
"Whatever is wrong", asked his wife.
"The doctor said I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life", he moaned.
"Is that all?" said his wife. "Lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."
"Right," said the husband. "But he only gave me four!"
Post
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and unhappy.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinking.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens! I haven't had a girlfriend in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, find a girlfriend or two, and then you will be alright.
humour for chemistry buffs:
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.* Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct .. leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a devine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Q: What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A: A power failure.
Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Q. Why don't women have men's brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys an extra case of beer
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
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