The "...and I think I'm stagnant" joke was told to me sometime between 1970 and 1976.

You know what they say, "what old again is new again!" Everyone a gem.......

And while we are looking in the archives.......A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared at their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple, and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and said, "Abracadabra!" Two tickets for the new QE2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now, it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like

this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

Critical Thinking At Its Best! 

A Woman Asks:
Do you drink beer??

Man Answers:
Yes. 

Woman: 
How many beers a day?

Man: 
Usually about 3. 

Woman: 
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: 
$5.00 which includes a tip.

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 
About 20 years, I suppose .

Woman: 
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month
at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00.  Correct?

Man: 
Correct.

Woman: 
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00.  Correct? 

Man: 
Correct.

Woman: 
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari, correct?

Man: 
Correct. By the way - - do you drink beer?

Woman: 
No. 

Man: 
Where's your Ferrari?   

Might be pushing a boundary here, not sure......An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'

Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years now."

Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." 

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Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

Husband: (smirks)

Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

Husband: "Absolutely not,"

Wife: "How Sweet!"

Husband: "The season's more than half over!" 

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Husband: Your a abcdefghijk wife! 
Wife: Oh why? 
Husband: You are adorable, beautiful, cute, dim[in a nice way], elegent, funny, great, happy wife. 
Wife: Oh well what does ijk stand for? 
Husband: I'm just kidding. 

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. 

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in 
an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. 

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. 

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." 

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." 
"Oh, how childish," said t he Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." 

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" 
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. 
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." 

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" 
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. 

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...... 

(GET READY FOR THIS......) 


"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

With all the talk about teachers lately, I thought you might enjoy this one:

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

Here are some dog jokes:

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My dog can do magic tricks.
It’s a labracadabrador.

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What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.

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What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

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Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.

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What type of dog likes having a bath?
A shampoodle.

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What’s a dog’s favorite type of pizza?
Pup-peroni.

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What type of dog wears glasses?
A cock-eyed spaniel.

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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A watch dog.

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five*and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she*asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers*and sisters?"

One little boy near the back, the oldest of a family answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Breaking news from Ottawa

Ottawa (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Tuesday night destroyed the personal library of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Both of his books have been lost.

A prime minister spokesman said that the Prime Minister was devastated, as he had not finished coloring in the second one.

When a librarian goes fishing, what goes on her hook?
A bookworm, of course.

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Where does a librarian sleep?
Between the covers.

Two old guys, one 75 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 75-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and best of all, you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 75-year-old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady in the bakery asked if he needed help.

He asked, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She replied, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "Five loaves? My goodness, it'll get hard before you use it!"

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this rye bread but ME?"

It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. 
John asks her, "What are you up to?" 
Mary smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" 
John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: 
"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." 
John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. 
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming: 
"Get away from my deer!" 
Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. 
And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: 
"Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!" 

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put five
people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law."

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
-- I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with
two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Fiat UNO!

But if it was circus clowns in an INFINITI, the car would just be waved through! 

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"