A man walks into a Starbucks with his iPad... He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him Then he realises... He was listening to his iPad with headphones. 

The traffic helicopter for radio stations in the Seattle / Tacoma area was up one morning when an unexpected fog bank rolled in, making flight dangerous. Both the pilot and the reporter were looking for landmarks. Their search was fruitless, to the point that fuel was running low, when suddenly they were right upon a large, multi-story office building. The were so close to the building that they could make out facial expressions on the office workers.

The reporter hastily wrote out this question on the back of some paper on his clipboard; "Where are we."

One of the office workers quickly wrote out a reply and held it up to the window. His reply was; "In a helicopter."

The pilot, as he was changing directions, said to the reporter "Okay, we're at the Microsoft building. So, we turn 45 degrees to the right and we will be at the airport in two minutes.

The reporter asked him how he knew that was the Microsoft building from that answer. The pilots reply was "The help was 100% accurate, yet completely useless."

A one-liner:

Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Alf: I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

Ralph: Have you seen a doctor?

Alf: No, just spots.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models and I saw one I really liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $90,000

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000. but no more.

WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: Bye, I love you, too.

He hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. 

Then he asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

" Two Irishmen walk past a bar....."




I'm Irish, no flames please.
OH

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

This is my favorite Irish joke!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

An elderly lady goes to the doctor. In his exam room she tell him, "Doctor, I have this little problem. I seem to have the walking farts. You are probably unaware of this, but I have been farting ever since I walked in and sat down. The reason you are unaware, is because my farts have no aroma. and they are silent. While others seem to make unhappy faces as I walk by, I am sure they are totally unaware, again, because my farts are odorless and silent. Doctor, do you think you can help me with this, ...walking, farting problem?

The doctor responds, "Sure, ma'am, no problem. I can help you with your gastric distress. But first, lets work on clearing up your sinuses and restoring your sense of smell, and then we will work on your hearing loss."

quote:

---

Originally posted by janolov
 

This is my favorite Irish joke!

 

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

...

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

---

Oh, the power of positive thinking!

John O'Byrne was mowing his front lawn, when his neighbour, Paddy Maguire, came out of his house and went straght to the mailbox. Paddy opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut and stormed back into his house. A little while later, Paddy came out again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily he went back into his house. 

As John was getting ready to edge the lawn, Paddy came out of his house again and marched straght over to the mailbox. Red with frustration he checked it a third time and slammed it closed, this time harder then ever. Puzzled by his neighbour's actions, John inquired "Is something wrong?". Paddy repled, "Ya, there certainly is, my stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

The reporter from the local TV station points the microphone at the old cowboy and says
"So, Tex, when did you decide to become a cow puncher?"

And he replies
"Right when I discovered that being a cow asker wasn't moving any beef."

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

quote:

---

Originally posted by OldHank
 

" Two Irishmen walk past a bar....."




I'm Irish, no flames please.
OH

---

I never tell Irish jokes anymore.  The last time I did an Irishman came at me with a razor,  thank God he didn't have it plugged in.

A group of old people were discussing their ailments. One said, "My arthritis is so bad, I can hardly grip this cup."

Another said, "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see to pour my coffee."

Another said, "I can't turn my head because of this constant pain in my neck."

Another said, "I have regular dizzy spells because of my blood pressure."

Another said, "I guess that's what happens when you get old."

Another said, "But we can be grateful that we can all still drive."

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor then looked at Morris and said, " I told you you had a heart murmur and be careful!"

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree, She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed. "

My apologies to all blonde folks!  

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
“Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing
“That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”
Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving,
and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”
 

I went to an audition the other day. They wanted thirteen people to be clouds. Fourteen people showed up. It was overcast.

"I was shopping at a general store the other day.

They wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

-Steven Wright-

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

Young Father James was quite upset that someone had stolen his bicycle.

But older, wiser Father William advised him to simply preach the following Sunday's sermon on the Ten Commandments.

"And when you get to Thou Shalt Not Steal, pound the pulpit, and watch to see who looks guilty. THERE's your thief!"

And Monday morning, Father William notice the bicycle was back in its usual place.

Said he "Well, it looks like my advice to preach on the Commandments worked!"

Replied Father James

"Umm, sort of....When I got to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I had left the bicycle!"